Sydney Pearl is an active flight attendant and author of Diary of a Pissed-Off Flight Attendant.
As the title suggests, Pearl is quite blunt about pax behaviour towards her profession. Those wishing to stay on the right side of Pearl would do well to avoid using any of the following opening lines, which she says she hears on a regular basis.
1. "SMILE!!!!" “I am going to take a few more breaths to keep the expletives at bay… Just who in the hell do you think YOU are that you feel it’s appropriate to tell ME to smile?! Just because I am not smiling a fake smile does not mean something is wrong. Just be happy that my ass showed up to work so that you can get your smart ass from point A to point B.”
2. "You look sleepy." “And you look like an a********.”
3. "Flight attendants are just glorified waitresses." “Is that what you tell yourself to justify your position in life? Check your condescension at the gate.”
4. "It’s my birthday, I want a free drink!" “While I’m happy you’ve lived another day, that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything free. Let me decide if I want to give you a complimentary drink -- normally I would, but now that you’ve asked for it… the answer is no! Will that be credit or debit?”
5. "I have diarrhea!" “Whoa… too much information, Do me a favour: just sit close to the john and stay mum on the subject.”
6. "Can you change my Depends?" “Do I look like a nurse? I am a flight attendant, trained in emergency evacuations, not bowel evacuations.”
7. "You are the least helpful flight attendant ever!" “Oh, I’m sorry I’m unable to help you process your frequent flier miles! I am a flight attendant, a*******, and my job is on the PLANE!!”
8. "What’s up with a buddy pass?" “Um… what’s up with a ticket to the Grammys? Buddy passes are strictly for family, close friends and significant others. We just met last week, and since you don’t fall into any of those categories, at least take me to a couple of dinners before you ask about my benefits… cheap ass.”
9. "You made us LATE!!" “You’re so right! I alone decided that I did not like you and, because I control the airport, plane and air traffic control, I have the power to delay your flight and screw up your plans.”
10. "I hate to bother you…" “Then why would you? So please just ask your question and skip the preface.”
11. "Can I meet you for a nightcap?" “It was great getting to know you during my flight, and maybe you kept me in stitches. But the fun stops there, and you will not get an invite to hang out after the seat belt light turns off.”
12. "Can I call you?" (while wearing a wedding ring) “Hell no! Actually, please do, so I can find out where you live and tell your wife, douchebag!”