Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

Do I Look Scared?

Am I scared? Do Serbs have bull ball cooking festivals? You bet your sweet petunias, I’m scared, dahrlings.

Genghis Khan would wince at the carnage reported in our daily news. When the Boulevard des Anglais becomes the boulevard of horror it’s time to pack an open carry semi-automatic assault weapon with a detachable magazine. You feel me? Let’s make travel great again!! Yeehah!

It’s getting so crazy there are cruise ships out in the middle of the med with nowhere left to port. Every week there’s a new no go zone and my Europe brochures have so many cut outs they look like I’ve used them for target practice.

But I’m bolstered by what I see south of the border, dahrlings. Those good ol’ boys at the Republican National Convention are ripping out terror at its root. The Secret Service is on it! They have implemented a strict no whole fruit regulation in order to thwart any non-sanctioned fruit fights from erupting. Guns are ok, though. Ya, baby!

I watched the bracing opening salvos: Duck Dynasty’s head duck's discourse on hunting rifles followed closely by Melania Trump’s bazookas. Yeehah! It’s unfortunate she implanted Michelle Obama’s speech from 2008 – but let’s face it, dahrlings, she didn’t ask to be snatched from Prada shopping and dropped into a hillbilly convention. It’s unfortunate the only message of hope and change they have to offer is that Hillary is a lying bitch whore. Yeehah!

I think I'll take my nice warm uzi and a magnum of Grey Goose and climb under the covers. There's nothing like a piece between the sheets to make a gal feel safe. Feel me?

Exhibit A:

(will not be published)