August 29, 2008
Buh Bye Black Sheep
Remember this one, Pumpkins? “Say Goodbye to Travel Agents" ‘Course you do. Travel’s self-described Scottish “black sheep”, Mr. Hugh Boyle, was quite fond of professing “The End Of Travel Agents Is Nigh”, wasn’t he, dahrlings? And who in the end has gone bye bye boom? Slipped in his own sheep dung, one might say.
Say goodbye to Zoom, Pumpkins, and Aloha to another plot in the airline grave yard.
Being overly cocky is never advisable - especially in a kilt. You never know when your zoomy might get caught in a tight fuel jam. And avoiding travel agents, as we all know, can be fatal. Not only for the carrier, but more importantly, for the thousands of passengers left in the pasture. And it's not just the ones who booked direct. Many GGTours pax are left holding Hugh's pattie as well.
Wagging our fingers and saying "I told you so" (as good as it feels) doesn't help. Another carrier going down makes consumers skittish and they don't know poopie about compensation & assurance funds and travel agents.
The irony in this ironic tale, is that Thomas Cook (a.k.a. MyTravel, a.k.a. NALG, a.k.a. Airtours) in a roundabout buy out money trail kind of way, are responsible for the financial freedom Hugh enjoys to play with aircraft. They purchased his Direct Holidays in 1998 for $200 million. You might say his cup Boyleth over.
August 26, 2008
We’re Lost In Translation
There are laws in this country protecting simple people from high risk job situations. And travel should be no exception, Pumpkins.
Would a lumber mill send in a bartender to ...well ... mill? Would Mi5 send a baker to track down evil scientists in their lair? Would Julio allow a mechanic to do my roots? I think not. That’s a license to kill. So, why, in the name of all that is good and sacred, would ACTA send an unwitting layperson into the travel industry pit? It’s no place for the dazed and confused. Back in 2006, that unfortunate Marc Charlebois emerged from his tenure at ACTA scarred and bruised -- a shadow of his former self (ok, it didn’t cast too far to begin with, but still). We all stood by and watched. It was like seeing a man in a speedo – it’s horrific, but you can’t avert your eyes.
And now the latest victim, Christiane Théberge, is lost in translation. She’s been left to wilt at the side of travel’s casualty road. Pumpkins, you know and I know, the un-travel just can’t handle it. Transat tried hiring big names outside the biz – the poor guys lasted a couple of months. It’s a rare breed who can cut it. But to expect these babes in the woods to herd a country-wide group of travel people? It’s cruel. Thank goodness for Jacqueline Jamieson -- she’s put David McCaig where he belongs, as Chief Operating Officer. And Moscou Côté as Acting Chief Communications Officer. It will be refreshing to know what people are talking about.
August 21, 2008
Talk About Lording Over It
The dinkettes are cultivating regal aspirations, Pumpkins. And you think you’re having a bad day. They keep tittering on about how the newly formed partnership between TakeOffEh.com and Maclean’s magazine will catapult them (that would take quite a catapult) to media mogul status, “just like Lord Black”. (The poor man has enough problems training his cell mate to fetch things.)
Joke or not, one of them keeps parading around in a tiara. It’s really not good for the staff.
Granted, working with the largest medium in Canada owned by one of the richest men in Canada is nothing to sneeze at. But even Ted Rogers puts his pants on one leg at a time. Get a grip, girls (and I use the term largely). The part that has my attention is that Maclean’s approached them and proposed the liaison. Which is so much better than having to beg for affection. (I really hate it when even the gardener claims he’s too busy for 'madame' and rushes off to buy some begonias before the nursery closes. He didn't have to run - it's not like I'm that fast in heels. Anyhoo, the Maclean's crowd obviously read my column.
August 18, 2008
I Heard It Through The Grapevine
Pumpkins, I’ve heard a whispered rumour that someone claims I sound like a snob. Gasp! Moi? Actually more like, duh. What took you so long? More importantly, what finally gave it away? Apparently it’s not the constant references to how fabulous I am. Nor the disdain I cultivate toward lesser beings. Nor the fashion labels, premium liquor and designer men. It’s golf that outed me. That preposterous sport where you drunkenly flay at a little white ball. Very snooty.
Seems some of you work – rather than attend these ritualistic summer shenanigans. In most cases, you likely aren’t given the choice. Pumpkins, someone’s got to hold the fort while the important people swing and pose. For those of you who really would like to attend (God knows why), do what I always do if, by chance, I’ve mistakenly been left off the A List – crash. It’s very in these days and beats sitting on the curb crying. Rogue workers could show up at various golf venues and claim the event “The Pumpkin Non-Invitational”. Very hot. Or, hold your own event. Bruce Bishins is out of a job – maybe he could organize it. He’d look very fetching in a pair of checked golf shorts. And just to show you how down to earth I can be, I volunteer to drive that cute little bar cart around the course. Please note, tipping will be allowed.
Oh ya, there are other rumours as well. itravel2000 & Cruise Professionals owner Travelzest could be bought momentarily. Clever Chris.
August 13, 2008
Call Me Unpatriotic
CBC Olympic reporters must be at their wits’ end trying to come up with variations on the ‘aw shucks’ theme. Canadians are on a losing streak (or should I say, a "not winning" streak) the likes of which we haven’t seen since the last Olympics -- and all the reporters can do is blurt out the same inanities: “He didn’t quite make it. But you know, there was that injury last July …”; “She was our one medal hope, but unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe tomorrow we'll win a medal”. Our national hopes riding on one medal. Oh, puh-lease. What a lot of horse dung.
OK, cutie-pie hasn’t rowed yet – so this may all be moot by tomorrow. But hanging our entire national pride on one gorgeous, sculpted male with the stamina of Apollo, and brandishing Poseiden's oar - stimulating as that may be - does not complete the Olympic spirit. Hasn’t anyone told our athletes it’s a “competition”?
Can you just imagine Michael Friisdahl, faced with a sales organization that didn’t meet targets, noting: “Gee, that’s too bad guys. I know you tried your best, and that’s what matters. The shareholders will understand”. Not.
August 12, 2008
Let’s Get Jiggy!
There’s finally an organization in the industry I can relate to, Pumpkins. ACTA’s Young Professionals of Canada is gearing up for membership so get hip to that. From what I can tell, there’s no age restriction so I am like totally down on it.
Don't expect me to hang back with old folks, has-beens, dried up, recycled travel geezers. Later seniors! Bring on the youths. This business needs way more dudes who still have their hair and hormones. The primeval ones are scaring the clients. Kids nowadays have money to travel on their own, dig? Do you see a sixty-five year old agent recommending an awesome surf for really bitchin’ duckdiving to a pair of twenty-somethings? Fer sure dude.
YPC’s slogan is “Having Fun!”, and Pumpkins, as everyone knows, FUN is my middle name. Although I can never understand why my nieces and nephews are always ‘busy’ when I ask them “Who’s up for some fun, huh?” Maybe I’ll suggest something more current to ACTA, like “Getting Phat!” No, that doesn’t work. I know “Travel – Wassup“. I’ll work on it.
August 6, 2008
Rave On Bruce Bishins, Rave On
You can keep your beefcake, girls (though I might swoop in for the odd nibble now and then). The kind of man that gets the juices flowing around these legendary parts is more of a cupcake, with a large dollop of grey matter on top. Yes, I may come across as a shameless, shallow strumpet, obsessed with the pleasures of the flesh, but it’s all a carefully crafted charade. It’s not clothes that make the man, Pumpkins, it is words. And I’m not talking about sweet nothings whispered during the throes – removing my hearing aids is an intimate act reserved only for the chosen many. No dahrlings, I’m talking words here – muscular, swollen, double-jointed letter combinations that drive straight to the heart of meaning. Which brings me to the essence of this diatribe, however circuitously: How can I face a week without a CSTAR press release? Will the passionate, polysyllabic peregrinations of Bruce Bishins cease to slide sweetly into my inbox? Will I no longer be able to savour the subject line during daylight, reserving the meat for a midnight mélange? I pray not, Pumpkins. Keep tilting at windmills, my querulous Quixote, for you make our industry a better place.
August 1, 2008
What's That Nasty Smell?
Is it just me, Pumpkins, or are we in hell? BA says it’s the worst season ever. ‘Course they’ve been a bunch of whiners lately, but “ever”? There’s too much hotel capacity. Demand is tanking. Beijing’s a bust. And now, airport lounges are closing. What’s next?
OK, it’s not pretty, but don’t let them smell fear, Pumpkins. It makes them skittish. And for heaven’s sake, keep up appearances. I was chatting with an agent the other day who wondered why she wasn’t getting any business. Lands sakes, woman! Her office looked like it had dust dating from the 1950’s. And the window display had the artistry of a depressed 12 year-old’s school project. When I get dumped, do I let my roots go? My nails get chipped? Stop bathing? I think not. That’s when the full artillery gets polished and waxed and girdled. Now, stop complaining and get a new lipstick.
July 29, 2008
Blithering Blogs
It’s delightful to note that some Pumpkins have the manners of an 18th century courtesan – impeccable. Having read about my blocked queue, a group of enlightened cruise counsellors out west took it upon themselves to send a card. To moi. Addressed and stamped. Golly. It’s been so long since I've seen real mail I hardly knew what to make of it. Unfortunately, the card’s become a bit damp and frayed (I only sobbed on it once, it’s just that I drool a bit when I sleep), but you can still make out the words “Thank you”…. um…oh … sniff.
Ahem. Back at the gate, some oily American marketing guru is slandering Air Canada and I won’t have it. I don’t care how many books he’s written. If anyone is going to slander a Canadian airline it’s me. Mr. Seth ‘smarty-pants’ Godin has written an article about airline ‘bait & switch’ pricing in his “Seth’s Blog”. (Talk about being full of yourself. It's obviously 'your' blog, Seth, but can you pronounthe it?)
So anyway, in his rant, genius boy states the following: “Air Canada … my readers generally concur is the single worst major airline in North America”. Hellooo! Have you flown Northwest lately Mr. Blogo? How about U.S. Air? Or United? Puh-lease. Their planes look like they haven’t been cleaned in years and you’re lucky to get headsets that work. Air Canada looks and feels like a spa by comparison. Goodness. Some folks will just write anything on the web to get noticed. Where’s my card?
July 25, 2008
Pimp My Automobile
Jabbing a steak-knife into my arm would be less grating than trying to understand the connection between renting a car and the Association of Canadian Travel Agents -- “which represents the interests of 18,000 retail travel professionals in Canada.”
ACTA just announced it has taken up the cause of promoting the Enterprise, National and Alamo car rental brands to agents. Wow. I honestly didn’t know car rentals are an issue for travel agents. No really. (Bishins must be asleep at the wheel to have missed this one.)
ACTA apparently needed to step in because the three companies are important “stakeholders”. Budget, Avis, Hertz and Thrifty obviously didn’t make the grade. In return, the three companies will provide travel agents with "customized rental programs at select times". I have no idea what that means – but then, I’m having too much trouble following the treads in this association representation.
Call me old fashioned, Pumpkins, but I still think of ACTA’s role as promoting Travel Agents. I guess we're in the tuna-holder camp in comparison to cars.
I can hear some of you saying: Hey Ivanna, grow up, everyone’s diversifying – so why shouldn’t ACTA? I suppose the answer to that is a gristly little issue called conflict of interest. Never mind. The Association of Canadian Travel Agents and Select Car Rental Companies has a nice ring to it.
July 22, 2008
Call Me Crazy!
What’s the definition of insanity? A mass murderer treating your anxiety condition. Except it’s no joke. Radovan Karadzic, who slaughtered tens of thousands of countrymen, moved to the Belgrade suburbs ten years ago and did the only thing a mass murderer wanted by the world could do: hung a “The Psychiatrist Is In” shingle on his door. Sneaky devil. And he grew a beard. No wonder it’s taken 13 years to track him. I mean, Hussein hid in a hole in the ground. Duh. Like they wouldn’t find him there. Note to CIA: look for unlicensed Freudian analysts in the Afghan mountains.
My goodness, when you touch on the subject of insanity in this biz, you could go on & on like an obsessive-compulsive. The world is crazy. The Chinese government has ordered half the population not to drive their cars. They want to freshen up the air a bit for the pansy western athletes. Imagine, it’s 2008, and you can simply order a country of 1.3 billion people to just stop driving. And they do. Or, don’t. I love playing Simon Says: jump, stand up, sit down, have one baby. If they told everyone to run backwards all at the same time, I wonder if we could slow time down?
July 18, 2008
I’ve Lost My Groove
Yesterday, the printer was on the fritz. The techie’s explanation was that a “print job” was stuck in the “queue” and was backing things up. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I’m sure something is stuck in my queue.
Ever feel that way, Pumpkins? In a rut? Things just aren’t flowing; there’s no spark in your walk; no spring in your eye. When even a full litre of Grey Goose doesn’t lift your spirits? Perhaps, served by the hunky divorcé who just moved in next door? (OK, that might work. Looks like he’s putting a full weight room into the basement – perhaps some heavy spirit lifting is in order. Couldn’t hurt).
Anyhow, I’m obviously responding to the state of the industry’s affairs. I’m sensitive that way. All the winter preparations are causing me anxiety. I need to get a hit of whatever the ACV and Globus crowds are ingesting. Golly, are they on a high. Zeina Gedeon can turn anyone giddy with excitement over winter. And apparently Stephanie Bishop’s presence at Globus has positively electrified the place. I'm happy for them. Really. Kind of. There's really nothing worse than hanging around a bunch of chipper people when your queue is plugged.
July 15, 2008
Enough With The Golf, Already
Good heavens, Pumpkins. I’m all for a putter and some balls, but honestly, it’s getting out of hand. A bunch of drunken pumpkins bobbing along a golf course in their little carts is fun once. OK, maybe twice. But summer has turned into one long blurry fairway in a weekly golf course massacre.
You’d think the serious golfers would get tired of “Oh, Dan, can I just try to hit it one more time?” “They’re slippery little suckers, aren’t they?” “Is it bad when it disappears in the bush?”
There’s a place and time for group swinging, sweating, drinking, showering, eating and drinking. And it doesn’t need to be sublimated into “golf”. It’s ok to want to do that a couple of times a week, people. You won’t even have to take home a lawn ornament, or your 25th gym bag.
But for Pete’s sake, do it on your own time. No wonder the business is down the hole, no one works anymore.
July 11, 2008
Mickey Ain't Packin'
The law-abiding good folk of the sunshine state are now allowed to carry concealed weapons out in public. They say it gives them peace of mind, Pumpkins. It’s quite evident Floridians need defending and nothing really beats shooting something. Pockets of Palm Beach, where fearsome geriatric gangs are on the loose, have become impenetrable. The Sharks with Dentures have been waging a violent war against the Weak Bloods. You never know what those mad snowbirds might do.
Amidst all this chaos, Disney has put their paw down. They won’t let employees carry guns to work. Imagine. Chip & Dale are being sent out in their furry coats to encounter rabid children, absolutely defenseless. Needless to say, it’s causing a situation.
NRA's chief state lobbyist, Marion Hammer, has this to say about it: ''Disney is a prime offender in denying people their rights.” Hear, hear. I've always said they were a bunch of big-eared communists. And what's with that virgin boy band they're promoting the heck out of - the Jonas Brothers. You're not going to tell me a randy 19 year-old doesn't like to shoot their gun once in a while. Are they banning that too?
July 8, 2008
Yo, Harper!
Lots of earnest back slapping at the Gee, there’s 8 of us! eh, Pumpkins. Dubya’s as affable as ever – he’s now taken to addressing everyone as “Yo”. With the popularity of Obama, one assumes his strategists have told him to be more “black” (you can only imagine what peculiar mannerisms he might have taken on had Hillary won the nomination). His homey Harper is just as clued out to reality.
Canada’s following fast behind the U.S. down the economic flusher, emmissions are out of control, the worldwide food shortage is escalating, but the bros apparently have everything under wraps. If we just don’t share a nickel with Africa, everything should be tight, dig? In fact, our own big-hearted Stevie boy is the biggest roadblock at the summit. We committed to $60 billion to fight HIV/AIDS, malaria and other diseases in Africa? It was only suggestion.
They should let WestJet and Air Canada run the summit. Both members of our cozy duopoly managed to pull great results out of one of the toughest Junes travel has seen since SARS. Now that's getting things done, dawg.
July 3, 2008
We Really Do Have To Talk About CRM
Apparently, Pumpkins, it costs you a zillion times more to acquire a new client than to retain an existing one. Studies confirm it. Any real woman doesn’t need a study to tell her that. Between the fresh lift, the hair, a new French lace push up, the weekly Brazilian, not to mention what the hours at the martini bar are doing to what’s left of my liver – being on the hunt is an expensive proposition.
And, we in travel apparently do not retain our clients well. My dear friend and colleague David Biltek of The Vacation Store in Grande Prairie says travel agencies’ customer retention (those who repeat buy, God love them) is between 20% and 33%. It means we’re losing way more than we’re keeping – so we keep having to replace them. Enter the dreaded Customer Relationship Management. Accept it. You need it. It’s the only way to consistently trigger the birthday card, the thank you note, the follow up questionnaire. It works. Because everyone wants to feel important. I hounded my last date with daily phone calls and flower deliveries for a week and he finally called back. People love that stuff.
The bottom line is, you can’t keep your clients’ names in a shoe box.
June 26, 2008
Ohhh Canada
The winter drums are beating, Pumpkins. Softly…for now. No one wants to be accused of being first to break capacity ranks. Operators are piously avowing to pledge allegiance to “no increase”. Brings to mind an old saying: Whoopteedoo.
No increase doesn’t quite cut it, does it, dahrlings? If memory serves, last year was “too much” capacity. In fact, it was a bloody deluge. So ‘not increasing’ puts us right back where we started—with the same amount of seats. I know, this new math is tricky. If anyone’s gonna make any money this year, we need to take a page from Air Canada and put the “de” in front of “crease”.
A man I only met once, but who left an indelible impression on me, is Thomas Cook’s CEO. Manly Manny, as I like to call him, said we Canadians are immature. Decimating a fabulously ripe market in a senseless game of one-upmanship does strike a rather juvenile chord. Manny, dahrling, talk is cheap. Perhaps you should come back for a mature one-on-one review of my diverse positions on seating. Mano-a-womano. I have a great capacity for such. The future of Canada may depend on it. Oh Canada!
June 23, 2008
I’m Cruising For A Retailer
Chris Mottershead has added Cruise Professionals to his “iliketobuythings” collection of Canadian retailers. No word at this time on whether Mary Jean will be singing the new nautical jingle: “1-866-BOW-DEAL!”
Chris probably had forewarning of a growing wave of retail cruise opportunities. Carnival, for instance, has made a sudden about face on their direct sell lapse, now preferring to deal with travel agents. Carnival head Micky Arison issued a statement on Friday on the previous ‘direct to consumer’ strategy, saying Carnival really didn’t mean it. Honest. He claims going consumer was all Vicki’s idea. The sneaky little Jezebel did it behind my back – yeah, when I was...um…when I was having that treatment thing. Yeah, that was it. Thank God she’s NCL’s problem now.
Don’t you hate it when that happens, Pumpkins? There you are, head of a multi-million dollar company - Captain of The Ship - and some senior executive willy-nilly steers the business in a whole new direction. Practically mutiny. Poor Micky.
June 19, 2008
Sup?
The fur is flying in travel pumpkins. Or maybe it’s gills. Bruce Bishins has resorted to calling Transport Minister Cannon an oily fish (a dyed herring, in fact). He’s also accusing Cannon of purposely misleading the House on ‘all-in’ pricing by speaking in what I believe is a Samoan dialect of some kind called “Mumbo-Jumbo”.
TICO’s in hot water over the demise of One Step Travel. Handa plans on stick handling the offence on that one at the June 24 AGM.
Air Canada’s got egg all over their tray tables for going into slash and burn mode.
TIA’s Randy Williams is in a huff about the missing tourists.
And, to top it off, the weather stinks.
Now WestJet, on the other hand, is claiming immunity to cutbacks. Being out in God’s country, maybe they pump the oil into the planes directly from the tar sands. Otherwise, they could get all the owners to get in line and pass buckets back to headquarters. They love doing that kind of stuff. But I bet the cost of fuel is putting the kibosh on NewAir’s launch pad. Talk about bad timing.
Where will it all end? According Best Western’s dahrling Dorothy Dowling, people will continue to travel. Good enough for me!
June 16, 2008
What Is The Problem, Exactly?
So Transport Minister Cannon is dawdling on ‘all-in’ pricing regulation because he’s worried travel agents in many provinces will “gain the upper hand”. Good gracious me, Pumpkins! Not the ‘upper hand’! One more madcap thing this fragile world might be subject to. Apparently the government has their priorities straight, for once. Imagine the chaos caused by travel agents all over Alberta and Saskatchewan and New Brunswick one-upping the airlines. How would we even know what universe we’re in?
The really funny thing is, I don’t recall any such concerns -- no hue and cry, not even a whimper -- over airlines having both upper hands, legs and feet over travel agents. Did I miss that part in the back pages of the Globe over the last 10 years?
There is, however, one lone agent out there who is breaking ranks with the time honoured tradition of playing the underdog. Steffan Ileman of Cimaco International Sales in B.C. has decided he's not going to take it anymore. He's attempting to explain to Mr. Cannon that travel agents should be compensated for labour that would otherwise have to be performed by the carrier’s employees -- in effect, he alleges, a breach of Section 111 of Air Transportation Regulations. The man is obviously some kind of anarchist.
June 12, 2008
Double Your Fun! Get Two! Two for the price of one!
Did you hear the one about the two pilots who unintentionally both fell asleep en route to Hawaii? Wow! That's not easy to do.
I can almost never fall asleep exactly at the same time as my mate. We've tried matching our circadian rythms, but he almost always goes first. Imagine the challenges of nodding off, a deux, in the cockpit of a Bombardier. They're obviously totally in synch with one another.
Speaking of cozy twosomes, have you also heard that Julie Couillard was actually dating two top feds -- simultaneously? At the time she
was the official escort to Bernier, she was also unintentionally falling asleep with Bernard Coté, advisor to the Public Works minister. Quelle femme! And although a little bit of Julie goes a long way, it may help explain why we've only ever been exposed to one breast at a time. Of course you can't help but wonder if the threesome ever enjoyed a nap together.(Perhaps a little bit of Max only went so far).
And then there's the case of Andrea McMillan. During her wedding at a luxe Holguin resort, she fell in love with the Cuban bartender. "It was like lightning," she said. Upon returning to Canada, she dumped the groom and next month will fly back to marry José - who will have ditched his wife by then too. Puts a whole new light on wedding packages, eh, Pumpkins? Double your money! Sell two weddings instead of one!
June 05, 2008
Ya'll Don't Come Back Now
It's no wonder Americans have been peddling their states so keenly to us. No one else will go there come 2009. Can you imagine the Croatian grandma, the French farmer or the Irish sodbuster, arriving to see the great Statue of Liberty and being turned away because they didn't fire up their laptops 3 days before landing to register their impending arrival with U.S. security services. Holy paranioa, Pumpkins! Talk about shooting yourself in the wallet.
And speaking of stupifyingly stupid decisions, there's IATA. Pulling the plug on tickets prematurely has left quite a mess. Did somebody say I told you so? (Bruce, if you're too man to do it, I'm too woman not to.) Over at BSP headquarters, seems no one's too eager to take responsibility for the boondoggle it's created. Two senior IATA officials have quietly disappeared in the last 60 days. BSP's stressed out Agostino Forte jumped ship in March, and now the acting manager, Sanjay Soowamber has walked (we cannot confirm at this time whether it was on his own steam or if there was some pushing and shoving involved).
Last, but certainly least, I attended a retail event this week where the usual plonk was replaced by Veuve Cliquot champagne. My goodness, Pumpkins. It was like Jesus turning water to wine, only better. Travel Counsellors has brought some much needed style over with them over from the U.K. None of that hard core pitch. Begging to be noticed. Any time you need some more ink boys, just pop a few corks my way. No problemo. Can't buy that kind of class.
June 02, 2008
Buh-Bye Already
Today the Globe says Miltie really is leaving. Hasn't he left yet? My goodness, Pumpkins, we've been hearing about his 'imminent' departure for the last 18 months. My aunt Stryjna was like that. Started leaving after lunch and was still in the doorway, talking the stuffin' out of a pierogi by dinner. Hey Miltie! What's your hurry? When's the fat lady gonna sing? (At least we don't have to hear from that jittery skinny one anymore).
I thought he'd moved into his London flat over a year ago. Maybe he's waiting to be invited to be a Lord before pulling up stakes in Canada. After all, he single handedly pulled a national airline out of a nosedive. Sold chunks of it off so his new best friends could double their shares. And increased his personal wealth by 23 million doing it! Since none of these activities are illegal, chances are he won't be following Black's path all the way to Florida's minimal recreational facilities.
Lord Bob Of Crosspilot. I like it.
May 29, 2008
Thank Goodness For Biker Molls
My, my, my. Here I was worrying about how dull we Canadians appear on the world stage. And lo and behold we launch a fully formed sex scandal onto the floor boards -- complete with boob shot, secret documents, a spurned lover and a disgraced politician. We've even got our very own gangster moll! It's all too good to be true. I imagine Canada's profile has been bolstered in unimaginable ways as a result of the salacious reporting.
Let's face it, Pumpkins, that is no ordinary boob (reference to Maxime Bernier unintended). Julie Couillard's left mammary - which we have all had plenty of opportunity to study - is decidedly magnificent. A prize specimen admired by criminals and criminal Presidents alike. Must have been tough on poor Maxime to wean himself. Never mind, it's a far far better thing he has done in providing a desperately needed tourism promotion. The blogs are full of entries about Americans wanting to move to Canada. (Thanks. But just visit. Bring money.)
Ms. Couillard's handy settling of the score by serving up her ex's 'couille' as a PR fricassee is just what this country needed.
[Couille: Look it up.]
May 26, 2008
You've Got A Captive Audience
I got a call the other day from a dogged journalist wanting to know if creeping fares are fuelling a slowdown. I said, ya, if you want to keep feeding that neurosis. Go investigate real news like whether Minnie Mouse is still a virgin. Here's the thing, Pumpkins. People love to travel. If you don't get that by now you're in the wrong business. No matter how much degradation and suffering you throw at them, they will still line up, remove their shoes, toss their toiletteries, live on old peanuts, get leg cramps and share lavatories with 500 strangers. Not to mention enduring the herding commands of disgruntled employees. If anything was going to deter us, we'd have avoided all that long ago.
Travel is not a sane activity, so logic can only go so far here. People need to explore. Especially Paris. They need go where no Canuck has gone before. Try things. No matter what the discomfort. Listen up, did Jacques Cartier worry about falling off the earth or an extra bag fee? Look at that nut out in North Battleford who's going to fall to earth from outer space. Why? He feels the call, Pumpkins. (Hopefully they've got him hooked up to some kind of catheter in case he feels it up there.) Nothing can hold back a Canadian wishing to make his mark on the world. Does any other industry, except for porn, have that kind of hold on the human condition? Try selling vacuum cleaners for a living.
May 22, 2008
Carry On Then
Disco is back, baby. Toot toot! Beep beep! Although for the faithful, it never left. Last night I experienced discaddict nirvana. Newly re-issued disco diva extraordinaire, Donna Summer, belting out "Hot Stuff" like it was 1979. Aoww, love to love ya, baby. Unlike Whitney, who now sounds like a mouse on a defibrillator, Donna's pipes are as sound as ever. And as I well know, there's nothing men appreciate more in an aging disco queen than good plumbing.
If only 1979 did come back. You'd be making air commissions and I'd be young. And passengers wouldn't be made to feel like criminals. Having luggage when you travel nowadays is akin to lighting a cigarette. People point and stare. American Airlines has begun charging $15 for each piece of luggage, each way! Listen up, people. Luggage is a right, not a privilege. We who wear clothes and bathe on occasion require the stuff of a suitcase. And travelling with two Louis Vuitton overnight satchels with the brass buckles and expandable suit bag, is not so like having a second helping of cheesecake, ok? And it has nothing to do with polar bear extinction. So zip it.
May 20, 2008
Vote For Your Sexual Idol!
Apparently, not everyone is into sexual idolatry, Pumpkins. A recent e-mail informs me that 'enough is enough' -- no more sexual innuendo. The reader goes so far as to insinuate I'm obsessed. [Obviously a bit of leeway should be given to someone who took 7 years to figure that out.] Said reader is looking for "a more serious side...I think you should begin featuring thought provoking ... articles about our industry or lack thereof...essays by industry people about issues facing us..."
Dahrling, if you look back through my vast body of work, you will see that issues are my middle name. And I am vigorously serious about them. Do you really think, dear Pumpkins, that anyone would bother reading the drivel that spews from industry associations unless yours truly peppered their points with a bit of sexual tension? And when was the last time you were tantalized by a research paper?
Nonetheless, being that I am nothing if not fair minded, I shall ask readers to weigh my perfomance and vote for their preferred Ivanna.
The Voting Booth is now open to take your votes!
To recap, here are your choices:
Ivanna Sexual Idolatry
Too much? Or too fabulous?
1. Too fabulous! Don't mess with perfection
2. A bit too juicy. But still fabulous!
3. You think I would read about industry issues unless she seduced them for me?
4. Tone it down. I get performance anxiety
5. What's the problem, exactly?
May 15, 2008
Good Morning! Good Morning!
Expedia, it seems, has powers well beyond eroding margins and teaching consumers travel's cheap. The behemoth's bearing on performance is now apparent. Deprived of Expedia segments, Worldspan owner Travelport says it's suffering from 'creeping softness'. How embarrassing.
Yes, Pumpkins, the X factor has V factor properties. In ancient days, long before the little blue pill, the Greeks and Romans attempted to overcome softness by erecting large phalluses on their porches. I tried it with minimal success for well over a month. My husband finally hung a planter from it.
And speaking of impotence, our Senators are feeling the heat about stalling the "all-in pricing" legislation. The amendment, forcing airlines to divulge fees and taxes, passed through Parliament last summer but the Senate keeps diddling about how it "will come into force on the future date to be fixed by order". They’re asking for a little understanding, Pumpkins. They claim it's never happened to them before.
May 12, 2008
Here's An Offer You Can't Refuse
It's the Wild West out there. Consumers are getting all uppity - like they have rights and everything. Fuel surcharges are being challenged. And now some wise guy's figured out there is something fishy about AC leveraging a $25 protection fee. Well duh. "Let's see, you and you and you can get in the dinghy. A helicopter will take you to the Hilton. The rest of you - too bad, so sad. Next time you’ll know better." A Public Interest group is attempting to take Air Canada to court over the On My Way®- "new name for peace of mind." They think it's illegal. Go figure.
Back in my day, the protection racket was just called extortion. Now it's "marketing". Bet the Gambinos are kicking themselves. All they had to do was adopt some of AC's flair to their pitch: "This strong arming is uniquely designed to take the sting out of any future retail disruptions. I'm On My Way - if you pay." Nice and polite like that while showing pictures of really happy people - and voila! You have yourself an honest promotion. Bummer about the court case though. But not to worry - they’ll come up with another brilliant idea in no time that you can piggy-back on. Think of the possibilities: there's gambling - you could take bets over whether the plane will land safely; spicing up the mile high club with some in flight prostitution might have some real legs; and getting the cats in the hold hooked on nip-laced biscuits is just waiting to happen.
And not one finger gets broken. Now that's slick.
May 07, 2008
It Ain't Heavy, It's My Steamer
Too much junk in your trunk will quickly lighten your wallet. Yes, Plumpkins, Air Canada is redefining the meaning of travelling light. The $25 extra bag fee has waddled over to the carrier's vacation station - ACV. Competition's feigning disinterest, but you can bet your booty calculators are smokin'. It’s so much easier to step in after AC's played the heavy.
On a lighter note, NewAir & Tours Group now has a fab address in Calgary and is hiring 150 employees, which seems to indicate they’re dead serious about getting off the ground. Hopefully they’re interviewing for a branding specialist. The whole No Name approach only works for dish soap, dahrlings.
And there's more sudsy news. We've got a new retailer in town, Pumpkins. They’re still flying under the radar, but the UK based group will soon come in like a steam roller. They've already brought on some fat cats and plan on throwing their weight around shortly.
May 02, 2008
Going Where No Blog Has Gone Before
Dear, Pumpkins. Apparently I’m a Blog. I remember one of those vile creatures molesting Captain Kirk and I really don’t think it’s a fair comparison. However, I’m given to understand that in the cyberworld, a blog is a desirable thing. Well, of course it is. Although from what I’ve seen, a true blogger has to be obsessively self-absorbed and indulgent. Why anyone would read that kind of person’s self ruminations is beyond me. The part that does have my undivided attention is where readers can write back and tell me how special I am. That’s called the ‘User-generation’ and it’s supposed to improve your SEO life - I think that's a good thing.
Sometimes I think I’m getting too old for the changes in this business. Then I hear about all the troubles -- how everyone’s got gas over e-ticketing, how the price of fuel is causing chaos, that Canada’s just been through a recession and no one noticed, and, last but not least, how some more folks have left their posts. Namely, Penny Martin left Marlin; Wolf Paunic left Globus; Gordana Mosher left Alamo; Lesley Boughen left Visit Britain; Stuart Morcombe left Advantage; and Brenda Kyllo left Club Med.
And then I think, aah. Nothing’s really changed. In the midst of all this new technology, it’s nice to know you can count on travel.
April 29, 2008
Three’s A Crowd
Referring to Air Canada and WestJet, a Calgary aviation analyst sums up their hold on Canadian skies as "a cozy duopoly" which presents plenty of opportunity "to firm up their yields". I couldn’t have said it better myself. There is really nothing like the feel of a nice firm yield when you find yourself in a cozy twosome, is there Pumpkins? I mean, you can do it on your own, that's called a monopoly, but it isn’t nearly as much fun.
Porter's Deluce doesn't find it the least bit amusing. At a YTO luncheon yesterday, he claimed his climbing into the comfy couple's bed has been met with "nasty bullying tactics" on the part of Air Canada. Well, really Bob, you know as well as I do, people have to be in the mood for a threesome. You can't just foist your turbo prop (small & quiet as it is) on a nice little duopoly in progress. In any case, Air Canada is probably still reeling from Jazz's island interruptus. Not that anybody has called that a nasty bullying tactic. Well, ok, they have, but not recently.
The good news is all the coition is breeding healthy results for everyone. WestJet today reports record results for this first crack at 2008 – with net earnings of $52.5 million. Bob claims Porter has been profitable for the last year and a half. And Air Canada’s forays into the lucrative snack and insurance business are now buoyed by additional revenue on second bags.
Jealous squabbles and inbreeding aside, it's a pretty rosy picture up here. The U.S.'s Ozzie and Harriet approach sure ain't working.
April 25, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Years Of Wrongs Don't Make It Wright
Few things secrete 'odour de pimp' as much as the self-serving cow patties excreted by Philip Wolf and his PhoCusWright cronies. For the last 10 years, the research posers have been in the pockets of the online megabuck machine. Their relentless investigations fuelled predictions of worldwide travel agent doom. They couldn't dig our graves fast enough, Pumpkins. And according to their "intelligence", the cemetery would be filled momentarily. Any moment now. Nobody needs us. We're toast. Look at these huge internet growth numbers. Big numbers. Buy the reseach now before it's too late!
Fast forward ten years. A new "landmark" study makes an earth-shattering declaration -- "the leader in travel industry research and intelligence (they're talking about themselves here) finds the travel agency distribution channel represents a large and dynamic opportunity, accounting for nearly US$110 billion in sales, or 41% of all travel booked." Buy the study now folks, and save $300 off the regular price of $1,295!
OK, so if you haven't tossed your TimBits yet, get a pail, 'cause here comes the best part. The release informing the world of their big discovery begins thusly: "Some say travel agents are dinosaurs, destined for extinction". No. No. No. Philip. Not "some" say. YOU say. Said. Over and over again. You did have sex with that woman. The shameless about-face is staggering. He could bottle his brazenness and sell it as fertilizer, except he doesn't need the money.
April 22, 2008
Save The Testies!
The advent of Earth Day raises the stench of false commitment from every zealot. Once again, everyone’s all in a lather about seals. The emotionally charged debate is bleeding ink all over the editorial pages. Although surprisingly, the ex-Mrs. McCartney is nowhere in sight. Her profound grasp of the issues will be missed. As will the chocolate and panty hose she brought for the Newfoundlanders.
But while all this is going on, another serious issue is being overlooked. One which threatens our very existence upon this said earth. Yes, Pumpkins, the fate of the defenceless testicle is in jeopardy.
Men of the human race, listen up. It’s time to cool your jets or we're all in big trouble. Hot baths, saunas and stoves are very bad for the boys. The latest research indicates an immediate and severe drop in viable swimmers from prolonged exposure to heat. Unnatural squishing from tight pants or prolonged saddle straddling also drops sperm count significantly. Although some light natural squeezing can be quite well tolerated.
It’s become obvious the testies need to run free in the cool breeze in order to function optimally. There is no time to lose. We need to ignite awareness to their plight. Perhaps Brigitte Bardot would agree to pose with a few. Save the testies!
April 18, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Now I’m A Believer
Well I’ll be a polygamist’s prophet! The unthinkable has happened, Pumpkins. The thing that could and should but never would. All the ta’s from around the world have joined forces to form a big fat TAAA. They’re calling it WTAAA - World Travel Agents Associations Alliance. Catchy.
ACTA, ASTA, ECTAA, EFTA... (you get the picture), feel there is strength in numbers and will jointly fight the good fight for the betterment of travel agents everywhere. TA Da! It’s like in those mutant movies where the X Team lines up in their fabulous little suits and capes, ready to battle. Wow. Your very own TA Team -- you’re probably thinking it doesn’t get any better than that. Well hold on to your ta-tas, Pumpkins, because a rather unholy alliance was also created this week by two bitter rivals, ACTA and CSTAR. I know, it’s not fair to spring these things on people. Before you run for the oxygen tank, please note they’re still only just dating. For the record, Bruce has not yet been invited to wed into the TA sect. The story is, he and Christiane have decided they stand a better chance with IATA’s ticketless wonders as a duo. But you know what I’m thinking. That lexiconal mutation of Bruce’s, allowing him to out-verbalize the pickiest of policy makers, could be a definite asset to the WorldWide TA Team. Now that’s catchy.
Ta Ta for now.
April 15, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Been There, Done That... Getting Old
One of my most avid readers challenged me on my silence regarding yesterday’s top news story which began thusly: "A good young travel agent is hard to find". Now that’s what I call writing. Indeed, Pumpkins, you cannot remain unmoved. It evokes images in the literary fashion of Rebecca’s opening line: "Last night I dreamt of Manderley again". The turn of phrase transports you to another dimension -- where 'good, young and hard’ fuse; swelling from fantasy to reality. Where trade shows no longer amass a sea of past-due people. Where the good old days have yet to be invented. Indiscretions yet to be lived. Naiveté and eagerness abound.
Youth is a state of mind, Pumpkins. What we need is a little creative departure from the ‘same old, same old’ department. Whaddyasay? Take a chance on something different. Something that could provide value. Live a little. Suppliers, try not to throw a cocktail party for all of us to drunkenly blather to each other, every time you redecorate the bathrooms. Spend the twenty grand on getting a message out! I know, it’s crazy. Let’s expand professional training instead of handing out brochures at trade shows. Wild! We keep doing the same things for decades and expect different results – which as you know, is the definition of insanity, but not in a good way. It’s not a wonder the young’ns are staying away.
April 11, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Up Your Jazz Factor
Feels like everything is just falling apart, Pumpkins. You can’t count on the simplest thing being the way it should be. Opening an ordinary account is a mind baffling challenge for my bank. Perfectly good singers are voted off American Idol. And Corner Gas is ending. My god, we’re in the Twilight Zone.
If that isn’t enough, the wheels are flying off U.S. airlines. In the past two weeks, four go down -- ATA, Skybus, Aloha and Frontier all file for bankruptcy, on top of which AA grounds half its fleet. That’s about equivalent to Air Canada stopping altogether. They're in utter chaos down there, Pumpkins. It’s an air-pidemic.
Up here, travel folk are playing the fiddle while Rome burns. And what a good time of it they're having. Other than Oasis Hong Kong, which was singing the wrong tune to begin with, it’s all peachy load factors, creamy profits, and a New Air carrier on the horizon. And I’m given to understand, Pumpkins, some of our fearless leaders are rather talented fiddlers at that. Sunwing hep cat Colin Hunter is the toast of Montreal. The old devil packs them in with his blue-eyed big band crooning. Signature’s Kevin Kalbfleisch plays a hot trumpet in a real band. And Transat’s Denis Codere does serious damage with an air guitar. Did you have any idea we are such a jazzy lot? Keep playing, boys. Keep playing.
April 08, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
How’s It Hangin’?
The whole Olympic thing is just not really on track, is it Pumpkins? Hanging by a thread, you could say. On the one hand, you got your "Yeah! Athletes! Medals! Accolades! And fat ad contracts!" In a word, the best of all worlds. And in the flash of a camera, we’re gorging on protests, Olympic torch dousing, subjugated monks and an oppressed people. Bummer.
It’s no wonder China’s pissed. Exploited nations really have no business messing with tradition. Did the Macedonians boycott the games in Olympia? No. Did the Nubian slaves toss buckets of water at the flame as the nimble Greek athlete sprinted through Sparta? Not likely. (By the way, back then, in 700 BC, the games were played in the nude. Just thought some of you might like to know that.)
Anyway, the Beijing thing is a marketing nightmare and Roots is glad to be out of it. The milk marketing board must be in an absolute tizzy. And every politician in the western hemisphere is scratching his medals trying to figure out whether or not to attend. A roaring economy with billions of consumers is tough to turn your back on.
The amazing thing is, for the first time in history, the Olympics really are uniting the masses. It’s like Tibet is the last straw and folks just ain’t gonna take it anymore.
It’s about time.
April 04, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
I'm On My Way - Maybe
Air Canada mangement is probably rolling in the aisles over the branding for their latest consumer extortion program -- "On My WayTM". You've got to love the balls on these guys, Pumpkins.
In case you haven't been paying attention, On My WayTM is "the new name for peace of mind". Fabulous! It's like they hired a team from Southpark to write this stuff. It's really much better than the Sadam-Satan episode.
Did you know On My WayTM is "uniquely designed to take the sting out of unforeseen travel disruptions and offer you a smooth, stress-free travel experience." C'mon. I'd pay $35 to take the sting out of just about anything, never mind unforeseen travel disruptions. I imagine it's a hit of valium or one of those fancy new designer drugs. Toss it back with a martini and I'm pretty much flying stress-free without an aircraft.
Honestly don't know how the do-gooders over at WestJet are going to handle this one. They figure taking care of customers for free is enough. Boys. Boys. Get with the program. The world is changing. Passengers expect to pay for you to deliver what you sold them in the first place. It's the new way. Or, rather, on my way.
April 02, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
We're United Under Guilt
Growing up in Eastern Europe, which is all I intend to reveal about my sketchy yet aristocratic origins, we were united under the banner of guilt. Catholic-based, Jewish-based or just mother-based, it made no difference. We were all schooled in shame and programmed to twitch like a marionette whenever guilt was applied.
And a powerful force it is, right Pumpkins? Our industry operates on it. The phone rings and long before you answer, you feel the force rising from it. "Look, you've got to help me out here. You owe it to me." I do? It’s my fault you tried to save $10 after picking my brains for an hour and ended up with a 6-minute connection at O’Hare? You think to yourself; ‘How is this my problem? What kind of guilt trip is this?’ And then it hits you --"I could lose their business" -- and you crumple like a used sack cloth. Admittedly, the veiled threat adds a certain frisson to the guilt-grab. My mother would have killed for that kind of leverage. The travel biz is like that. Takes a perfectly good dysfunction and improves on it.
March 27, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
We're A Tad Short On Panache
You wonder why Canada can't catch flies for tourists? To say we lack star power is an understatement. Our representatives on the world stage have the flamboyance of muppet characters. Take a look at Stephen Harper next to a pic of Fozzie Bear. And I'm convinced John Manley was the model for Beaker. No seriously. It's uncanny.
Now take France. Panache packed President Sarkozy and his oft naked model turned singer wife, Carla Bruni, had a little visit with the Queen of England yesterday. Hello. Now that's what I'm talking about. Did you see her dahrling little outfit? My, my. And by all accounts her curtsy was flawless. She must have had good practice during those arduous nights with Sir Jagger. The woman has such class, she wore flats so as to only appear a head taller than hubby Nikolai. Although I understand what he lacks in stature he makes up for in enthusiasm. Even the Queen didn't flinch at having to make small talk with an acknowledged polygamist. (Bruni has been quoted as saying 'I am monogamous from time to time, but I prefer polygamy.' Hear! Hear! Dahrling.)
The British press were in such a tizzy, you'd think Diana herelf had made a spectral appearance. If the foreign press at least followed our own media's lead and published Harper's catastrophic wardrobe choices, that would be something. Laughing and pointing is better than being overlooked.
March 24, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Tibet: Closed For Renovations
You can forget about your year in Tibet, Pumpkins. You can’t even spend a week there. China has closed it until further notice.
I’m all for shutting down countries. In fact, I think the United States should take a 'time-out' until such time as Bush is no longer in office. He’s caused way more trouble than anyone. Not that a few chanting mountain monks aren’t a serious insurrectionary influence. They travel by foot, eat very little, and are unlikely to spend the day at the mall. Our consumerist economies would collapse under their meditative pressure. And you can forget about sending them to an all-inclusive. Does Sandals even take single Buddhists?
So you can see the Olylmpic sized conundrum the world is facing. On the one hand - those pesky peaceniks; on the other - the colossal yet easily irritable Chinese economy. Guess who wins? Go on, guess!
March 14, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
What’s In 2 Inches?
Apparently, a lot. I tell you Pumpkins, there is so much horn blowing going on lately, I feel like I’m in New York state’s Gubernatorial mansion. Yesterday, the dinkette used MY words in another Globe article, this time posing as a ‘tourism industry expert’. Ya, because she’s a tourist when it comes to the travel business, telling consumers what a peachy season it is for them.
Never mind all the gnashing and crying we can hear from the top floors of Canada’s tour ops. From the media reports, you’d think the travel industry was in the midst of a golden renaissance. Sunwing is touting fab results, waxing on about load factors, margins and profits. WestJet portered record results once again, claiming they can make it anywhere, even in New York. For Transat, load factors, capacity and revenue are way up. Profits, not so much. But, never mind all that. They’re ripping out seats as we speak to give our clients 2 more inches of personal space. OK, now that’s what I call a tangible good news story. No matter what your size, 2 more inches are a blessing. Folded into those seats, with the forward passenger’s head in my lap, I’ve often pondered what an extra couple of inches might lead to.
May 12, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Here's An Offer You Can't Refuse
It's the Wild West out there. Consumers are getting all uppity - like they have rights and everything. Fuel surcharges are being challenged. And now some wise guy's figured out there is something fishy about AC leveraging a $25 protection fee. Well duh. "Let's see, you and you and you can get in the dinghy. A helicopter will take you to the Hilton. The rest of you - too bad, so sad. Next time you’ll know better." A Public Interest group is attempting to take Air Canada to court over the On My Way®- "new name for peace of mind." They think it's illegal. Go figure.
Back in my day, the protection racket was just called extortion. Now it's "marketing". Bet the Gambinos are kicking themselves. All they had to do was adopt some of AC's flair to their pitch: "This strong arming is uniquely designed to take the sting out of any future retail disruptions. I'm On My Way - if you pay." Nice and polite like that while showing pictures of really happy people - and voila! You have yourself an honest promotion. Bummer about the court case though. But not to worry - they’ll come up with another brilliant idea in no time that you can piggy-back on. Think of the possibilities: there's gambling - you could take bets over whether the plane will land safely; spicing up the mile high club with some in flight prostitution might have some real legs; and getting the cats in the hold hooked on nip-laced biscuits is just waiting to happen.
And not one finger gets broken. Now that's slick.
May 07, 2008
It Ain't Heavy, It's My Steamer
Too much junk in your trunk will quickly lighten your wallet. Yes, Plumpkins, Air Canada is redefining the meaning of travelling light. The $25 extra bag fee has waddled over to the carrier's vacation station - ACV. Competition's feigning disinterest, but you can bet your booty calculators are smokin'. It’s so much easier to step in after AC's played the heavy.
On a lighter note, NewAir & Tours Group now has a fab address in Calgary and is hiring 150 employees, which seems to indicate they’re dead serious about getting off the ground. Hopefully they’re interviewing for a branding specialist. The whole No Name approach only works for dish soap, dahrlings.
And there's more sudsy news. We've got a new retailer in town, Pumpkins. They’re still flying under the radar, but the UK based group will soon come in like a steam roller. They've already brought on some fat cats and plan on throwing their weight around shortly.
May 02, 2008
Going Where No Blog Has Gone Before
Dear, Pumpkins. Apparently I’m a Blog. I remember one of those vile creatures molesting Captain Kirk and I really don’t think it’s a fair comparison. However, I’m given to understand that in the cyberworld, a blog is a desirable thing. Well, of course it is. Although from what I’ve seen, a true blogger has to be obsessively self-absorbed and indulgent. Why anyone would read that kind of person’s self ruminations is beyond me. The part that does have my undivided attention is where readers can write back and tell me how special I am. That’s called the ‘User-generation’ and it’s supposed to improve your SEO life - I think that's a good thing.
Sometimes I think I’m getting too old for the changes in this business. Then I hear about all the troubles -- how everyone’s got gas over e-ticketing, how the price of fuel is causing chaos, that Canada’s just been through a recession and no one noticed, and, last but not least, how some more folks have left their posts. Namely, Penny Martin left Marlin; Wolf Paunic left Globus; Gordana Mosher left Alamo; Lesley Boughen left Visit Britain; Stuart Morcombe left Advantage; and Brenda Kyllo left Club Med.
And then I think, aah. Nothing’s really changed. In the midst of all this new technology, it’s nice to know you can count on travel.
April 29, 2008
Three’s A Crowd
Referring to Air Canada and WestJet, a Calgary aviation analyst sums up their hold on Canadian skies as "a cozy duopoly" which presents plenty of opportunity "to firm up their yields". I couldn’t have said it better myself. There is really nothing like the feel of a nice firm yield when you find yourself in a cozy twosome, is there Pumpkins? I mean, you can do it on your own, that's called a monopoly, but it isn’t nearly as much fun.
Porter's Deluce doesn't find it the least bit amusing. At a YTO luncheon yesterday, he claimed his climbing into the comfy couple's bed has been met with "nasty bullying tactics" on the part of Air Canada. Well, really Bob, you know as well as I do, people have to be in the mood for a threesome. You can't just foist your turbo prop (small & quiet as it is) on a nice little duopoly in progress. In any case, Air Canada is probably still reeling from Jazz's island interruptus. Not that anybody has called that a nasty bullying tactic. Well, ok, they have, but not recently.
The good news is all the coition is breeding healthy results for everyone. WestJet today reports record results for this first crack at 2008 – with net earnings of $52.5 million. Bob claims Porter has been profitable for the last year and a half. And Air Canada’s forays into the lucrative snack and insurance business are now buoyed by additional revenue on second bags.
Jealous squabbles and inbreeding aside, it's a pretty rosy picture up here. The U.S.'s Ozzie and Harriet approach sure ain't working.
April 25, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Years Of Wrongs Don't Make It Wright
Few things secrete 'odour de pimp' as much as the self-serving cow patties excreted by Philip Wolf and his PhoCusWright cronies. For the last 10 years, the research posers have been in the pockets of the online megabuck machine. Their relentless investigations fuelled predictions of worldwide travel agent doom. They couldn't dig our graves fast enough, Pumpkins. And according to their "intelligence", the cemetery would be filled momentarily. Any moment now. Nobody needs us. We're toast. Look at these huge internet growth numbers. Big numbers. Buy the reseach now before it's too late!
Fast forward ten years. A new "landmark" study makes an earth-shattering declaration -- "the leader in travel industry research and intelligence (they're talking about themselves here) finds the travel agency distribution channel represents a large and dynamic opportunity, accounting for nearly US$110 billion in sales, or 41% of all travel booked." Buy the study now folks, and save $300 off the regular price of $1,295!
OK, so if you haven't tossed your TimBits yet, get a pail, 'cause here comes the best part. The release informing the world of their big discovery begins thusly: "Some say travel agents are dinosaurs, destined for extinction". No. No. No. Philip. Not "some" say. YOU say. Said. Over and over again. You did have sex with that woman. The shameless about-face is staggering. He could bottle his brazenness and sell it as fertilizer, except he doesn't need the money.
April 22, 2008
Save The Testies!
The advent of Earth Day raises the stench of false commitment from every zealot. Once again, everyone’s all in a lather about seals. The emotionally charged debate is bleeding ink all over the editorial pages. Although surprisingly, the ex-Mrs. McCartney is nowhere in sight. Her profound grasp of the issues will be missed. As will the chocolate and panty hose she brought for the Newfoundlanders.
But while all this is going on, another serious issue is being overlooked. One which threatens our very existence upon this said earth. Yes, Pumpkins, the fate of the defenceless testicle is in jeopardy.
Men of the human race, listen up. It’s time to cool your jets or we're all in big trouble. Hot baths, saunas and stoves are very bad for the boys. The latest research indicates an immediate and severe drop in viable swimmers from prolonged exposure to heat. Unnatural squishing from tight pants or prolonged saddle straddling also drops sperm count significantly. Although some light natural squeezing can be quite well tolerated.
It’s become obvious the testies need to run free in the cool breeze in order to function optimally. There is no time to lose. We need to ignite awareness to their plight. Perhaps Brigitte Bardot would agree to pose with a few. Save the testies!
April 18, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Now I’m A Believer
Well I’ll be a polygamist’s prophet! The unthinkable has happened, Pumpkins. The thing that could and should but never would. All the ta’s from around the world have joined forces to form a big fat TAAA. They’re calling it WTAAA - World Travel Agents Associations Alliance. Catchy.
ACTA, ASTA, ECTAA, EFTA... (you get the picture), feel there is strength in numbers and will jointly fight the good fight for the betterment of travel agents everywhere. TA Da! It’s like in those mutant movies where the X Team lines up in their fabulous little suits and capes, ready to battle. Wow. Your very own TA Team -- you’re probably thinking it doesn’t get any better than that. Well hold on to your ta-tas, Pumpkins, because a rather unholy alliance was also created this week by two bitter rivals, ACTA and CSTAR. I know, it’s not fair to spring these things on people. Before you run for the oxygen tank, please note they’re still only just dating. For the record, Bruce has not yet been invited to wed into the TA sect. The story is, he and Christiane have decided they stand a better chance with IATA’s ticketless wonders as a duo. But you know what I’m thinking. That lexiconal mutation of Bruce’s, allowing him to out-verbalize the pickiest of policy makers, could be a definite asset to the WorldWide TA Team. Now that’s catchy.
Ta Ta for now.
April 15, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Been There, Done That... Getting Old
One of my most avid readers challenged me on my silence regarding yesterday’s top news story which began thusly: "A good young travel agent is hard to find". Now that’s what I call writing. Indeed, Pumpkins, you cannot remain unmoved. It evokes images in the literary fashion of Rebecca’s opening line: "Last night I dreamt of Manderley again". The turn of phrase transports you to another dimension -- where 'good, young and hard’ fuse; swelling from fantasy to reality. Where trade shows no longer amass a sea of past-due people. Where the good old days have yet to be invented. Indiscretions yet to be lived. Naiveté and eagerness abound.
Youth is a state of mind, Pumpkins. What we need is a little creative departure from the ‘same old, same old’ department. Whaddyasay? Take a chance on something different. Something that could provide value. Live a little. Suppliers, try not to throw a cocktail party for all of us to drunkenly blather to each other, every time you redecorate the bathrooms. Spend the twenty grand on getting a message out! I know, it’s crazy. Let’s expand professional training instead of handing out brochures at trade shows. Wild! We keep doing the same things for decades and expect different results – which as you know, is the definition of insanity, but not in a good way. It’s not a wonder the young’ns are staying away.
April 11, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Up Your Jazz Factor
Feels like everything is just falling apart, Pumpkins. You can’t count on the simplest thing being the way it should be. Opening an ordinary account is a mind baffling challenge for my bank. Perfectly good singers are voted off American Idol. And Corner Gas is ending. My god, we’re in the Twilight Zone.
If that isn’t enough, the wheels are flying off U.S. airlines. In the past two weeks, four go down -- ATA, Skybus, Aloha and Frontier all file for bankruptcy, on top of which AA grounds half its fleet. That’s about equivalent to Air Canada stopping altogether. They're in utter chaos down there, Pumpkins. It’s an air-pidemic.
Up here, travel folk are playing the fiddle while Rome burns. And what a good time of it they're having. Other than Oasis Hong Kong, which was singing the wrong tune to begin with, it’s all peachy load factors, creamy profits, and a New Air carrier on the horizon. And I’m given to understand, Pumpkins, some of our fearless leaders are rather talented fiddlers at that. Sunwing hep cat Colin Hunter is the toast of Montreal. The old devil packs them in with his blue-eyed big band crooning. Signature’s Kevin Kalbfleisch plays a hot trumpet in a real band. And Transat’s Denis Codere does serious damage with an air guitar. Did you have any idea we are such a jazzy lot? Keep playing, boys. Keep playing.
April 08, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
How’s It Hangin’?
The whole Olympic thing is just not really on track, is it Pumpkins? Hanging by a thread, you could say. On the one hand, you got your "Yeah! Athletes! Medals! Accolades! And fat ad contracts!" In a word, the best of all worlds. And in the flash of a camera, we’re gorging on protests, Olympic torch dousing, subjugated monks and an oppressed people. Bummer.
It’s no wonder China’s pissed. Exploited nations really have no business messing with tradition. Did the Macedonians boycott the games in Olympia? No. Did the Nubian slaves toss buckets of water at the flame as the nimble Greek athlete sprinted through Sparta? Not likely. (By the way, back then, in 700 BC, the games were played in the nude. Just thought some of you might like to know that.)
Anyway, the Beijing thing is a marketing nightmare and Roots is glad to be out of it. The milk marketing board must be in an absolute tizzy. And every politician in the western hemisphere is scratching his medals trying to figure out whether or not to attend. A roaring economy with billions of consumers is tough to turn your back on.
The amazing thing is, for the first time in history, the Olympics really are uniting the masses. It’s like Tibet is the last straw and folks just ain’t gonna take it anymore.
It’s about time.
April 04, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
I'm On My Way - Maybe
Air Canada mangement is probably rolling in the aisles over the branding for their latest consumer extortion program -- "On My WayTM". You've got to love the balls on these guys, Pumpkins.
In case you haven't been paying attention, On My WayTM is "the new name for peace of mind". Fabulous! It's like they hired a team from Southpark to write this stuff. It's really much better than the Sadam-Satan episode.
Did you know On My WayTM is "uniquely designed to take the sting out of unforeseen travel disruptions and offer you a smooth, stress-free travel experience." C'mon. I'd pay $35 to take the sting out of just about anything, never mind unforeseen travel disruptions. I imagine it's a hit of valium or one of those fancy new designer drugs. Toss it back with a martini and I'm pretty much flying stress-free without an aircraft.
Honestly don't know how the do-gooders over at WestJet are going to handle this one. They figure taking care of customers for free is enough. Boys. Boys. Get with the program. The world is changing. Passengers expect to pay for you to deliver what you sold them in the first place. It's the new way. Or, rather, on my way.
April 02, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
We're United Under Guilt
Growing up in Eastern Europe, which is all I intend to reveal about my sketchy yet aristocratic origins, we were united under the banner of guilt. Catholic-based, Jewish-based or just mother-based, it made no difference. We were all schooled in shame and programmed to twitch like a marionette whenever guilt was applied.
And a powerful force it is, right Pumpkins? Our industry operates on it. The phone rings and long before you answer, you feel the force rising from it. "Look, you've got to help me out here. You owe it to me." I do? It’s my fault you tried to save $10 after picking my brains for an hour and ended up with a 6-minute connection at O’Hare? You think to yourself; ‘How is this my problem? What kind of guilt trip is this?’ And then it hits you --"I could lose their business" -- and you crumple like a used sack cloth. Admittedly, the veiled threat adds a certain frisson to the guilt-grab. My mother would have killed for that kind of leverage. The travel biz is like that. Takes a perfectly good dysfunction and improves on it.
March 27, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
We're A Tad Short On Panache
You wonder why Canada can't catch flies for tourists? To say we lack star power is an understatement. Our representatives on the world stage have the flamboyance of muppet characters. Take a look at Stephen Harper next to a pic of Fozzie Bear. And I'm convinced John Manley was the model for Beaker. No seriously. It's uncanny.
Now take France. Panache packed President Sarkozy and his oft naked model turned singer wife, Carla Bruni, had a little visit with the Queen of England yesterday. Hello. Now that's what I'm talking about. Did you see her dahrling little outfit? My, my. And by all accounts her curtsy was flawless. She must have had good practice during those arduous nights with Sir Jagger. The woman has such class, she wore flats so as to only appear a head taller than hubby Nikolai. Although I understand what he lacks in stature he makes up for in enthusiasm. Even the Queen didn't flinch at having to make small talk with an acknowledged polygamist. (Bruni has been quoted as saying 'I am monogamous from time to time, but I prefer polygamy.' Hear! Hear! Dahrling.)
The British press were in such a tizzy, you'd think Diana herelf had made a spectral appearance. If the foreign press at least followed our own media's lead and published Harper's catastrophic wardrobe choices, that would be something. Laughing and pointing is better than being overlooked.
March 24, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Tibet: Closed For Renovations
You can forget about your year in Tibet, Pumpkins. You can’t even spend a week there. China has closed it until further notice.
I’m all for shutting down countries. In fact, I think the United States should take a 'time-out' until such time as Bush is no longer in office. He’s caused way more trouble than anyone. Not that a few chanting mountain monks aren’t a serious insurrectionary influence. They travel by foot, eat very little, and are unlikely to spend the day at the mall. Our consumerist economies would collapse under their meditative pressure. And you can forget about sending them to an all-inclusive. Does Sandals even take single Buddhists?
So you can see the Olylmpic sized conundrum the world is facing. On the one hand - those pesky peaceniks; on the other - the colossal yet easily irritable Chinese economy. Guess who wins? Go on, guess!
March 14, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
What’s In 2 Inches?
Apparently, a lot. I tell you Pumpkins, there is so much horn blowing going on lately, I feel like I’m in New York state’s Gubernatorial mansion. Yesterday, the dinkette used MY words in another Globe article, this time posing as a ‘tourism industry expert’. Ya, because she’s a tourist when it comes to the travel business, telling consumers what a peachy season it is for them.
Never mind all the gnashing and crying we can hear from the top floors of Canada’s tour ops. From the media reports, you’d think the travel industry was in the midst of a golden renaissance. Sunwing is touting fab results, waxing on about load factors, margins and profits. WestJet portered record results once again, claiming they can make it anywhere, even in New York. For Transat, load factors, capacity and revenue are way up. Profits, not so much. But, never mind all that. They’re ripping out seats as we speak to give our clients 2 more inches of personal space. OK, now that’s what I call a tangible good news story. No matter what your size, 2 more inches are a blessing. Folded into those seats, with the forward passenger’s head in my lap, I’ve often pondered what an extra couple of inches might lead to.
March 12, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Snow Is All The Rage
Although we in travel can’t get enough of the white gold, there are some folks who just don’t appreciate being buried under mountains of snow for months on end. Go figure. In fact, a few can’t take it anymore and are resorting to fisticuffs over parking spots and shotguns over flakes blown into their yard. It’s called Snow Rage and apparently it’s the latest anger fashion, Pumpkins. Road rage is so yesterday. And no one had any patience for Air Rage.
Snow seems like such a feeble excuse for venting. How about "Cheap Rage"? I’m up for some of that. Or “Computer doesn’t do what you tell it to do Rage”? Or how about “Married men who pretend to be pious crime fighters and spend 80 grand on hotel hookers Rage"? My! That's a lot of hooking for one adulterer. I bet his wife could have made good use of an $80,000 diamond. Who couldn’t? Although from the demands he made on the girls, I suppose she should be grateful.
March 07, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
That’s What I’m Talkin’ About!
It’s like waking up with a hangover - bad enough - and remembering a slight indiscretion from the night before. From the body sounds in the bathroom, you can tell he’s still there. Everyone knows that feeling - queasy. Life thinks it’s funny that way, eh Pumpkins.
Well, no sooner do I expose the whole travel ‘expert’ fraudulency than I read about the dinkette posing as one. Coughed up coffee and kahlua all over the breakfast nook when I opened yesterday morning’s Globe business section. Puh-lease. The woman (and I use the term loosely) is about as much an aviation expert as a fashion expert (her picture’s on the Value Village frequent shopper cards). Thankfully, she didn’t cause any damage. You will no doubt wonder how she managed to worm her way onto the esteemed ROB pages. I’m thinking it might have something to do with a little bit of extracurricular PR efforts. If I hear one more “Oh, isn’t the Globe’s Brent Jang clever?” or “That Brent is such a card! Teehee,” I will not be responsible for my actions. I’m only human.
March 04, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Suddenly Everyone’s An Expert!
So you wanna trash the travel industry? You have to get up pretty early in the morning to comprehend the ins and outs of this disorderly business, eh Pumpkins? CBC radio’s ill-advised Michael Enright made the attempt this past Sunday morning. Poor man. Someone should have warned him it would be like looking into the mind of a psychopath and hoping to emerge unscathed. His increasingly shrill cries of ‘unfair’ bounced off the teflon handling of travel insiders such as Debra Ward and my dear friend Monty. It wasn’t pretty.
Media sleuths the world over are attracted to the confusing world of airfares, service, scheduling, surcharges, amenities, etc. etc. etc. It’s like they think consumers need protection or something. There’s even a technology out there called Inside Trip Inc. that will rate ‘on time performance’ and ‘seat pitch’ and such. Holy cow, Pumpkins! We’ve obviously really made a mess of things. Quick, up the confusion level! We’ve lost our commissions, our booking systems, our integrity and our status. And now they want to take away our complexity and make everything ‘transparent’. Well I say enough is enough. Is my doctor’s handwriting ‘transparent’? Is my lawyer’s vocabulary ‘transparent’? Is that little flippy hand manoeuvre of my massage therapist down the lower portion of my thigh ‘tranparent’? I think not. They should buy their $4 bottle of water, sit with their knees tight, beg for a blanket, and be happy about eventually getting somewhere. Sheesh. Like we ‘owe’ somebody something.. Nobody asks me if I think life is fair... it’s just transportation for Pete’s sake.. not like they’re buying some big dream or something.
February 29, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
There’s An Elephant In The Room
And we’re all lying next to it. Thankfully, it is a fairly sound sleeper, and only occasionally rolls over. Most recently in the Maritimes. No one was hurt. Too badly.
Yes, Pumpkins, Transat is a giant and, mon Dieu, if it doesn’t suit them. As the fifth largest travel company in the world, they occupy the front cover of today’s leap edition of the ROB mag. I’m just tickled. (Not only because of the dashing pics of all 3 founders. Although, I am particularly enjoying an urbane Philippe, complete with upturned collar and a jet set bag, perfectly framed by the setting sun breaking through the Tour Eiffel. I glued a little cut-out of myself in a beret beside him. And one of me sipping wine in a cafe near Jean-Marc. He sees me. Our eyes meet. The three of us move into a little condo in the French quarter and I am fitted with a new Chanel wardrobe. They teach me all about vertical integration. We’re deliriously happy.)
Aah. Point is they’re Canadian, Pumpkins. And they're holding their own next to the TCooks and TUIs. Quebec sais faire, eh!
February 22, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
High Fidelity Beat
With Castro out of office, I think we`ve heard the last from those Infidels, eh Pumpkins? Frankly, I was getting a little tired of it. Every time you turned on the American news, it was ‘infidel’ here and ‘infidel’ there. Like we don`t have other issues. Maybe terrorism, huh? Well, that`s one planetary struggle down, unless some other radical group fancies themselves “Inraouls”. Wow. That would be totally weird.
The question on everyone`s mind is: will anything change in Cuba? Although big brother will keep watching, young Raoul may want to make his own mark. He probably grew up hearing “Why can`t you be more like Fidel? What country have you freed from greedy capitalist rule lately?” There's one thing that surely won't change – our greedy tourist money will still be more than welcome. The beaches will stay white. The rum golden. The hips and buttocks still surprisingly mobile – have you witnessed the jerks and gyrations? It’s a wonder they don`t dislocate something. Now that`s worth my undying loyalty.
February 19, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Oh Yes, I'm The Great Pretender
The crust of it, Pumpkins. People still have the audacity to ask the question: who is Ivanna? Is it door No. 1 or door No. 2? How degrading. First off, why I would be a associated with either dinkette is a complete mystery. Do I look like a cheap transvestite wannabe? One who would sell her journalistic soul at the first whiff of pixie dust scented cash? Secondly, I am who I am.
Do you ask who is Cinderella? Mickey? Of course not. They are icons. Symbols. They represent fantasy, hope and virginity. I represent cynicism, contempt and promiscuity. You see, we, Mickey and I, are in a cosmic oppositional continuum. Polar ends of the law of human dynamics. Young and old smile at the thought of him. People run about and pull their hair at the thought of me. It's almost exactly the same thing, in a Freudian time/speed kind of way. Disney offers a year of a million dreams. I offer up a lifetime of nightmares -- as my second used to say. Parallel universes, really.
So, ask not who is Ivanna. Ask what what you can do to ensure a theme park is named after her.
February 14, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Feel The Love
I`m feeling it, Pumpkins. Are you?
Bookings are up. Dollars are down. It's true love at its best.
Travel is the essence of romantic seduction. You get an awful lot of earnest fumbling about from clients really wanting to get some. They spew heartfelt expressions of desire about a willing beach. Shamefully exhibit wild excitement at the prospect of an open bar. Grunt and drool at consummation of the booking. Followed by customary wallet shrinkage when the invoice pops out.
Happy Valentine`s Day, Dahrlings!
February 12, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Gently Used Airline For Sale
I picture dusk in downtown Toronto. Miltie standing over a sewer grate on the corner of Bay & King as the financial district spills out of the parking lots. Steam from below gently curls up his legs as he begins to mouth the words to: "Love For Sale... Old love, new love, every love but true love."
You just know Bob's remembering the careful nurturing of AC from the brink of near death; the devoted restructuring; the warm bundling and unbundling of little product off-shoots. And now this. Selling AC to the first fast talker with a wad of cash and a yen for a few lousy boeings.
Tears at your heart, doesn't it lovekins? I'm not saying Air Canada hasn't been around the tarmac a few times. Who hasn't? But just when the botox starts to kick in, the tummy tuck and thigh reduction are healed - just when everything seems possible and you're finally a match for that cheap chippy down the street, they toss you out like an empty ice tray. I can't take it anymore, I tell you!
February 07, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
I Smell A Rat
And I’d better get used to it. According to the Chinese lunar cycle, it’s his year. (Isn’t it always?)
In light of this, Pumpkins, I’ve decided Westerners have given the rat a bad rap. The critters are survival machines -- they’re smart, can overcome disease, pestilence and wars, they live off other’s waste and, they stick together. I know what you’re thinking -- may as well call it the Year Of The Travel Agent. (Except for the last part. We stick together about as much as Kung Hei on a Phat Choi.)
The Chinese horoscope depicts those born rats as: smart, magnetic, quick-witted, surreptitious, selfish, protective and calculating. Uncanny, isn’t it? We’ll quietly oversell 200 extra vacationers into a PUJ resort to try and salvage a devastated season. Hey, why worry about their vacation? Pesky consumers always looking for a deal -- they should know better than to buy a barely opened resort at the last minute. Right, Ratkins?
February 04 , 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
It's Super Lose Day
So, like all good Canadians, I’m watching American football last night. Mostly I was waiting for some half time boobery. Instead of orchestrated scandal, I got a heartbreakingly weak exhibition of some petty band called Tom. Nonetheless, watching the big bowl biceps, butts and brawn repeatedly crashing into one another was worth it.
Have you noticed, Pumpkins, there is something extremely gratifying about declaring a winner and a loser. No grey area. No ifs, ands or buts about it. You win. You lose. No negotiations. No “understanding” the other guy’s pain. I’ve applied the principle to all my divorces, my business arrangements and my staff. The time savings are really worth considering. Efficiency escalates. Everyone’s happy. Except for the losers -- which is why they’re called l-o-s-e-r-s. I call it the Trump principle (alternately referred to as the Brigham-Carroll law of competition). I believe modern management schools are beginning to take note of travel’s advances in this area.
January 29, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Is There Such A Thing As Techie Jail?
There should be. And you know what I'm talkin' about, Pumpkins. The snotty youths responsible for hit & run computer dysfunctions. Have you tried telling one of those digital spawn that it didn't do that before they "fixed" it? That's when a large bat comes in handy.
I have found myself utterly vulnerable, in the hands of a complete stranger who opens my box (that's what it's called, OK), peers into my personal drive and shakes his head. And unlike my grimy mechanic, this one's about 12 and has serious 'tude (but is no less grimy. Don't basement apartments come with shower stalls?).
Oh dear me, I think!
My life is in there, I exclaim.
That's when they get giddy with power.
It's the Wild West of Tech out there. We're at the mercy of every hack with a fast keyboard. Not to mention the programmers, software developers and database builders who can snarl up a booking engine faster than a tour operator drops prices. When was the last time - scratch that - when was the first time you had delivery on deadline? They laugh themselves silly when they make those schedules. We need tech policing, standards, regulations, certification. Maybe the CITC wants to branch out. We're helpless out here!
January 25, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Forgive The ADD
Can anybody tell me the difference between firming, lifting and tightening cream? Make no mistake, Pumpkins, they are not to be confused. Trained cosmetic counter attendants have, on several occasions, cheerfully recited the glycolic and alpha-hydroxyl attributes of each, but my attention wanders to the bright colours of the lipstick pallet. Yes, I suffer from acute l’Oreal ADD.
ADD in adults is now recognized as the cause of many business ills. Such as repeating the same pattern of adding too much capacity and expecting a different result. If one paid attention, one might notice it doesn’t work. Complaining. That’s another good example of something with limited results but nonetheless practiced quite passionately by most travel providers. Selling for $99 and expecting consumers to pay more next time – somewhat deficient rationale, wouldn’t you say? Yes, Pumpkins, if we’d all had enough Ritalin, the entire travel industry might be different today. Personally, I’m taking the matter well in hand and experimenting with a number of pharmacological elements. Results have varied.
January 22, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
You Think You’ve Got Problems
Over capacity. Consolidation. A global recession. Spare me, Pumpkins. Whatever you’re dealing with is no match for my pain. Try being around two estrogen deprived bipedal hominoids (aka the dinkettes) who fancy themselves hot items right now. (Don’t hang on to that picture for long.) They've launched a totally new business -- while holding on to the old one. You don’t know the meaning of dysfunctional ‘til you’ve spent a day in this pink pit.
Yes, Pumpkins, my 2 employers have decided to hurl themselves onto the consumer market. From over here, it looks a bit like a drive by shooting – innocent bystanders pelleted with Take Off Eh! cleverness. In case you haven’t seen the billboards – they profess to offer Non Stop Travel Intelligence to those who log onto TakeOffEh.com. The oxymoronics of the situation defy description.
Nonetheless, the contest is worth a spin – you and your clients will want to play the "What’s Your Travel Style?" game. http://www.takeoffeh.com/contest/
The trips are worth it.
January 18, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
A Mill By Any Other Name
I’ve been doing some mulling about milling, Pumpkins. Card mill, puppy mill: bad. Wind mill, grist mill: good. I think there is widespread consensus on this. My guess is all you bona fide, hard working, nose to the grindstone travel consultants don’t need convincing. Apparently, someone does. (And yes, this is a thinly veiled reference to the lack of action on the part of our disassociations.)
Make no mistake, Puppies, these mills are breeding. Large, vaporous, MLM travel blobs are engulfing vapid consumers looking to ‘make money while you travel’. And they mean to get ’ya.
Which leads us to YTB International Inc. – a publicly traded U.S. based company preaching a “revolution in the travel industry”! Do I hear an “Amen”!
These folks are expanding to Canada come February. The outcry up here? More like a whimper. One lonely soldier, Annette Easton of Easton Tour & Travel, has been fighting from her base in Winnipeg. After weeks of pushing, this morning we await with great anticipation a press release from the CITC stating their official position. That’ll be sure to stop those wascally wabbits right in their tracks. And as long as suppliers keep holding out those carrots, greedy little varmints will keep showing up.
January 15, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Dem’s Fer’ners In Dah Skies
Yashamatazz, Pumpkins, Harper’s going to revolutionize air travel in Canada. Ottawa wants to allow dem fer’ners to serve us domestically, so to speak. (No reference to the nannies raising Ottawa’s children and collecting their dog’s poop.) Yessiree, bumpkins, Stephie’s gonna blow this puppy wide open. Figures Canada’s scanty market’s ready for the pickins and he’s going to give every foreign carrier a crack at ‘er.
Picture it: “Air Namibia from St. John’s to Cornerbrook”. Bet they can’t wait.
‘Course it begs the question --why are we dropping our flies if they don’t? Bet Sean would just love to carry a few Americans from Philly to Minnie. Bending over for the U.S. got old during the last century.
Ya, take off, eh!
January 11, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
How Bad Is It?
I hear we’ve shot ourselves in the kiester again, Pumpkins, only this time it really hurts. It’s a wonder we’ve got a sphincter left at all, what with decimating every winter since sun charters began. The tour ops flushed their margins back in the fall and are now excreting negative negatives. Whatever. It’s a mess.
Sunwing just announced what amounts to $36.75 to Florida. Per person. Round trip. Bus fare to Sudbury costs more.
And still everyone claims their capacity doesn’t smell. It’s always the other guy who started it.
So, like, I’m no Pat Brigham, but other industries have fabulous collusional associations for this kind of thing. All the oil producers get together and decide how much to pour. Same with the diamond producers. They control the price and distribution – together. Hello?? So, I’m thinking – TOPEC! "Tour Operators Producing Extraneous Capacity". An association designed to control the inherent self-destructive tendencies of the male species. I think it really has legs.
January 08, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
How’s Your Face?
Not that I really care, Pumpkins, but I understand I’m supposed to be all over yours and you all over mine. I’ll be damned if I know why. From Facebook to LinkedIn to MySpace to (aack) Friendster, I’ve been invited to ‘share’ myself in the most ungainly fashion -- among pictures of someone’s Christmas dinner, snot-nosed baby and Halloween outing. And I care about that, because …? It’s like the slide shows of proud uncle Tito’s family car trips all over again - without a drink. Voyeurism at its worst.
They call the process “Social Networking”. Dahrlings, puh-lease, that’s what cocktail parties are for.
However, I understand some of you are using these tacky little forums for business. Well, if there’s a buck to be made, you know my motto. Poke me.
January 03, 2008
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
I’m A Full Service Gal
I’ve had it, Pumpkins. A new low in air travel has been dug. After making my own booking, I now have to check myself in, print my boarding pass, tag & cart my bags, then pick up my garbage on the way out. And you can forget about looking helpless, it only encourages their heartlessness. But I’m drawing the line at cleaning the can, man.
Do I look like I drive up to the self-serve pumps? Wash my own car? Squeeze my own juice? Pop my own cork? I don’t think so. I require servicing. And plenty of it. Shame on you Monty. Even coach drivers help you with your luggage. From now on I’m taking the train. Have you seen those sweet Via stewards? More wine, Madam Gabbalot? Now that’s more like it. Via here, my little conducteur.
December 31, 2007
December 28, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Buh-Bye Now!
Well, dear Pumpkins, it’s been another year. A shiny new 2008 is in the offing and, according to my housekeeper Hilda’s time tested chicken liver prophecies, it augurs well. The dollar is strong, disco’s making a comeback, and to kick start the year, Robert Milton officially steps down as Chair of AC on January 1st.
To close out 2007, here is my Best & Worst list:
Best
War on MLM agencies a.k.a. cardmills (not to worry, Pumpkins, Hilda’s whipping up a batch of hexes)
More dollar buys more travel
Biggest aircraft – A380 lands
Green travel (Right. Eat my turf.)
Worst
Strong dollar kills tourism
Biggest aircraft – A380 lands
Record airline delays
Record security line-ups
Longest shopping decision ever made – Transat finally buys some hotels (My first husband was like that. Got Boardwalk & Park Place every time, but could never decide whether to put a hotel or houses on them.)
ID Card identity crisis (would the real one please stand up)
Noted
Thomas Cook Returns (sort of)
TUI Turns Up
Robbie finally sells Conquest
A whole year without an airline going bust
Last, but not least, any advice, you might ask? Wise words?
- Always ask for a deposit before you’ve done all the work. That’s what ‘de-posit’ means. Otherwise it would be called a ‘postposit’, which as you know, doesn’t exist.
- Never sleep with the owner’s husband. They really don’t like that.
And, most importantly, please don’t poke your head out of sun roofs when seriously crazed people are out there trying to kill you.
December 21, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
I Am So Ho Ho Outta Here
The prospect of a week away from the estrogen pit even has ol’ Grinchalot here excited about the Yule i.e. “Christmas”. That’s right, Pumpkins, Christmas. I will not be celebrating the “holidays” or the “season” and I make no bones about it.
Has anyone noticed the Muslim community call Eid ‘the season’? What the heck is ‘the season’? What season? We’ve got four of them. Or overheard any of your Hindu acquaintances apologetically refer to the Diwali festival as ‘holidays’. Point is, I’m going to trim a tree (actually, I plan on decorating it), get nogged and unwrap my ski instructor (probably not in that order).
At this time, I also feel the calling to share myself in an annual Christmas address. Life is tough. It’s also overwhelming and sad and funny and wonderful. And through all the insane rushing, don’t forget to open your bosom and send warm wishes to any Pumpkin out there, of any denomination, who needs our support. That’s always in season.
Kisses to you and yours.
December 19, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
That white stuff is just such a spirit lifter, eh Pumpkins? I’m all goose pimply knowing every precious little snowflake brings another frosty wallet to my door.
And speaking of lifting things, in the midst of this festive time, I’m told BA has followed Lufthansa and Air France in liberating independent agents of their plates. Very naughty. Kind of like pissing in the wind to think the big airlines will morph from Grinch to Santa.
And on that front, here is a little tail that will surprise even those of you who have seen it all on fams gone wild. On a recent sea jaunt, an agent hikes up her dress port side, drops her lacey knickers, and has a nice little tinkle right there on the promenade deck. It was a particularly blustery evening, hence the perfect re-incorporation of the act of ‘pissing in the wind’, for those of you who missed it. And, as it is also the season for alcoholic spirits, some of us are especially slow these days. (The dinkettes should really not drink. When someone that size loses her inhibitions it isn’t pretty.)
December 14, 2007
Bitte, dahrlings, but...
That's My Kind O'Bag!
It's not lunch bag letdown when someone hands you a brown paper bag filled with cash, eh Pumpkins? But Brian, liebchen, like you were really going to tell Revenue Canada "Oh, look what I got in the brown bag. It's $300,000!" That's what cheques and invoices and accounting are for.
Why all the fuss in the first place is beyond me. Life is so much simpler when folks slip each other a warm wad of bills now and again. And why is it anybody else's business anyway? I always say, what happens between you and your connected German business facilitator in the lobby bar of the Montreal Ritz is your affair. In fact, almost anything that happens at the Ritz lobby bar is someone's affair.
Point is, when Frederick slipped me a big one to make sure he got seat 2B, was that wrong? When I grease my mechanic's pant pocket to make sure my engine keeps humming, is that enquiry material?
Ka'ching is king. It's light, convenient, not traceable, opens all doors and closes others.
Auf wiedersehn.
December 12, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but…
Crime Does Not Pay
Our Lord Black knows it. But it's safe to say pig boy probably doesn’t know anything. Back in our very own travel camp, ACTA makes Eddie Greenspan look like a dilettante. Yes, Pumpkins, the association is redefining itself by adding sleuthing to their professional roster -- exposing travel dirt wherever it lurks. No one is safe. No e-mail left unturned. (I redefined myself once, and believe me it’s not easy. I definitely prefer playing the nurse.)
ACTA Case File 1.1: Michele ‘gumshoe’ Rogerson blows the lid off CSA’s ignominious departure from Montreal. As sentencing, she sent the media a copy of an agent’s spanky letter denouncing CSA’s move. Judge Judy style. (Although the press were a bit perplexed about what to do with it. Is it a press release? It doesn’t look like a press release?) Prior to that merciless action, ACTA was hot on the trail of the notorious “Visa Affair”. A nasty business where one e-mail was contradicted by another. Two companies. Two stories. Who to believe? I prefer it when one is dressed in white and the other in black. So much easier.
It’s the stuff of smelly rooms, Pumpkins. Cheap bourbon and leggy broads in oversized trench coats. I love that stuff! But you have to speak in a really low, raspy voice. Oh! I have one of those fabulous old telephones. Does it have to be ‘cheap’ bourbon? This is so much fun.
What’s next? I know! The dinkettes can get ACTA to launch an expose on bogus claims by a competitor that they are more popular than Open Jaw. Oh my, this is heady stuff.
December 7, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but…
An Ace In The Hole Isn’t Always What It Seems
Take it from me, Pumpkins, never commit to a merger at the first sign of interest. I keep telling myself, no matter how many martinis you’ve had at the Vegas bash and ol’ Pelvis is featuring his big hunk o’love (which, upon investigation turns out to be a heartbreak motel) – don’t fall for it.
Point is, under the right circumstances, almost anyone looks snoggable . But Air Canada wooing WestJet? Holy Ace Of Hearts! Not again! I just can’t picture a toilet paper roll gamely tossed about an AC aircraft. And you can forget about that amusing 9%. And Vegas, you can kiss planes of lucky Kelowna-ites goodbye.
Canadian Airlines flight attendants have been wearing the maple leaf for almost 20 years, and they’re still pissed. Never mind the Nordair, Wardair and PWA ones. We never learn.
December 5, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but…
Is The Tail Wagging The Mouse?
Yes pumpkins, we all love our pussies – and puppies too, but today’s announcement that a company called ‘Best Friends’ is preparing to build a “full-service, luxury pet resort” at Walt Disney World somehow makes me want to stand on an overpass holding a sign reading ‘The End Is Nigh.’
Now before you cough up a fur-ball in defence of those little critters who offer us unconditional incontinence, rest assured that I’ve never served a baby seal even a small shot of Canadian Club. I may not sweat the small things but I do pet the sweaty things and those short hairs stuck to my sweater are not my own.
But puhlease pumpkins…this is one paw too far. Here it is, straight from the press release: “Pet guests will enjoy such amenities as luxury suites with television and raised bedding, activities such as nature walks and playgroups, and pampering services ranging from ice cream treats to bedtime stories.”
Television? Ice cream treats? Bedtime stories? It has to be said dahrlings, the world has gone barking mad.
November 30, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but…
Do We Need A Multi-Level Playing Field?
‘Travel the world like the pros.’ That’s just one of the many motivating slogans found on websites produced by or about Pro Travel Network, a home-based travel and ‘network marketing’ (read MLM dahrlings) company that is vowing to expand its presence in Canada. Pro Travel Network is an ACTA member, TICO licensee and recognized by the authorities in la belle province. The beauty of Pro Travel, according to Calgary-based Shawn Langille, is “two completely separate businesses, both with different benefits and income capabilities.” One business is selling travel, the other is presenting this glorious opportunity to family, friends, neighbours and co-workers, so they can be agents too! Sign up a thousand people, and you’ll be driving a Mercedes CLS 550! 20,000 sign-ups will get you a $1 million ‘Power Bonus.’
Just what this country needs – 20,000 more travel agents! Ay carumba!
And, what about training, you ask? It’s a doddle! Here’s a quote from ptnfreedom.com, in all its eloquence: “Training only takes 4 hours, so get to it done and over. You need the training if you want to start booking flights and trips, etc.” I ask you multiple pumpkins, is that “etc.” not cause for concern?
There do seem to be a lot of chirpy little agent wannabes out there, like ‘Erin and Brett’ from Calgary who didn’t like the price quote they got for a ski-and-stay package at Sunshine Inn, so they signed up with PTN and saved over 50%...they even asked for and received an upgrade! “Our first experience being travel agents was great,” Erin and Brett enthused at www.ptnfreedomtraining.com. “I wouldn’t ever want to travel without being an agent again. This all happened when we were in the business ONLY 5 DAYS!”
Pumpkins, if you find all of this hard to swallow - check out Annette Easton's From Your Lips and add your name to the petition if you agree that MLM Agents Cheapen The Industry
November 28, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but…
How Green Is Your Valley?
I know pumpkins, it’s a very personal question, but everyone is turning green these days, and the Chrismukkahkwanzaa party season hasn’t even started. And boy, do these newly converted chartreuse champions talk a good game.
Everyone is busy advancing awareness, assessing, encouraging, offsetting, recommending, communicating, auditing, marketing, defining and, Lord help us, becoming change agents. We’re awash in green, in more shades than an Irish glen.
But tell me pumpkins, is anyone actually doing anything? Or is it just a whole lot of gas, greenhouse or otherwise? “We’re not feeling guilty,” says the Air Transport Association of Canada.
Well, that’s one less thing to burden your therapist with, but how does it help?
This is real folks, and if we don’t take some real action, this is one bull that’s going to Gore us good.
November 23, 2007
Excuse me, dahrlings, but…
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
Boy George is in trouble for keeping his 28 year old ‘escort’ chained to a wall in his apartment. Is that so wrong, Pumpkins? I mean, as long as nobody gets hurt. And it wasn’t a wall, it was the car grill. And the alimony payments came very regularly after that.
So, conferences are kind of like that, aren’t they? You get chained to a hotel lobby for a week and then your pockets get emptied. Something to that effect. And you don’t even feel anything cause that part happens in the bar. It’s a really great system. I keep telling the dinkettes they’ve got to get with the times and stop worrying about “delivering results” in order to make a living. Puh-lease.
Fortunately for some cruise lines, a contractual agreement does not chain you to anything. Carnival is slapping a fuel surcharge onto fully paid and ticketed passengers. After they’ve paid. Closed the deal. I love it. Passengers may kick and scream for a bit, but after a while they’ll ca