March 05, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
This Is Our Best Campaign Yet…

How’s your moral turpitude, Pumpkins? Wait...don’t Google it, I already did.

The U.S. coined this gem of a legal term for “conduct that is considered contrary to community standards of justice.”  Oh my nerves! And, that’s just one of the questions on our dear southern neighbour’s fancy new Electronic System for Travel Authorization (ESTA) form that lots of folks who want to visit the U.S. will have to answer.  Starting March 20th, a little trip to Disney World, Vegas or the BIG Apple from any of 35 ‘Visa-Waiver’ countries – including the U.K., Australia, France, Germany and Japan – will require completion of a wildly and weirdly worded online questionnaire prior to their trip.

And, talk about crazy…Americans expect potential visitors to disclose whether they suffer from a mental disorder, have ever performed espionage or sabotage or were involved in any way with Nazi persecutions between 1933 and 1945. Of course, dahrlings, if you were involved with the Nazis in 1933 you’d be a ripe old 97 this year, and not likely to be riding Space Mountain.

My personal favourite is the question about seeking entry to engage in immoral activities. O-o-o-o-oh, I wonder if they mean stuff like browsing the selection of assault rifles at the local gun shop or a drive-thru liquor store?

If you make it through the questionnaire, the next step is the ‘Waiver of Rights’ – that just means you sign away the ability to question any actions of the folks at U.S. Customs & Border Protection. I’m kinda familiar with waivers…may as well have signed off on both husbands 2 and 3.

But wait, there’s added value…on arrival in the U.S., Visa-Waiver visitors will be welcomed by a photographer, to preserve the moment...oh, and they’d like your fingerprints too, all 10 of them.

One last thing dahrlings: visitors will also pay a new $10 fee that will go towards tourism promotion.

That’s like brass in our tourism pockets, Pumpkins. Thanks neighbour!

March 02, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
You Got Your Inspiration Where?

TUI admits it is basing its latest pricing strategy on the oldest profession. And yes, this time I do mean prostitution.  Managing Director Dermot Blastland has openly stated that he is impressed with the ability of flesh-floggers to charge what the market will ‘bare’. Second-hand knowledge only, Pumpkins – he got it from a case study in biz book bestseller Superfreakonomics. (It’s super freaky, yeah!) One comely courtesan reported that she managed to increase her fees by 67% in just a couple of years by identifying clear traits in customers willing to pay more. (What is this? Harlots from Harvard?)

Dermot's definitely hooked onto something here. Not everyone, even in Canada, is so cheap they’ll spend eight hours surfing the net to save seven bucks – a phenomenon also known as ‘Book with Boyle.’ To test the theory, TUI took away all of its Internet discounts for two days. Yes Pumpkins, business plummeted – by 50%! But the other 50% paid full price without blinking an eye. So, if you can hustle a full margin client without dropping your pants, makes you wonder why so many travel folks put out for so little?

I just ask the questions, Pumpkins… I don’t have the answers.

February 25, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
For Shame, People

The travel biz gets enough black eyes without us giving ourselves one. (I did that once – walked right into my fist. Never saw it coming. That Pedro mixes a mean martini.) This week, we in travel really messed ourselves. 180 pax were abandoned at a tiny airport in Cuba for 11 hours. Even the rep took off. And the pilots flew away – since they know how to do that. Did anyone tell them it’s better if the people are on board?  What ever happened to “No passenger left behind!”? Shame on us.

Then there’s Hughey Loser and his news. He’s done it again, Pumpkins. Ballsy Boyle shut the doors of Go Travel South on Wednesday. What the heck? And I mean that. He gives travel a bad name. This time, 2,000 of his clients have been duped – or dumped, rather. They are left to chase their credit card companies for refunds. (And we wonder why the processors find travel a tad risky.) Gotta hand it to the man, he is really onto a great gimmick. As long as people are chomping after deals, he will continue to con them into giving him money. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame on you.

February 23, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Now That’s Skating

The gliding! The jumping! The swerving! No – I’m not talking about Virtue & Moir’s gold medal ice dancing – I’m referring to an even better performance: the phone call from RIU to Thomas Cook. “Honest, this hurts us more than it hurts you. You’ll grow from the experience”.

Boy, have I heard that before. The last time, I stuck an olive pick up the guy’s nose. Believe me, Pumpkins, it did hurt him more than it hurt me. (Do not try this at home, tennis pros are bleeders.)

In any case, it’s not like there aren’t enough beds out there for all the operators to make. Is there a stretch of beach left in the whole Caribbean without an all-you-can-eat buffet on it? And, about “branding” – next time you’re at the airport, ask some random sun seeker whether he knows who they booked with; who they are flying; and what property they are staying at. Nine times out of ten, you’ll get: “Duh, uh, my wife booked it. It was cheap.”

Go Canada, Go!

February 19, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Where Are All The Agents Coming From?

Chains and consortia are collecting more agencies than Tiger Woods’ has cocktail waitresses. [And BTW, he’s holding a private little conference today for select press at a Florida golf club to ‘apologize’. Did he have sex with them too?]

There are agency growth announcements almost daily: V.Com added 60 new agencies last year; Ensemble was up to record numbers this fall; Uniglobe acquired large corporate agencies; Atrium or Vasco Gamma or whatever (just decide on a name and stick with it already) is growing; Travelsavers has big plans; and on and on.

I’ve never been great at math, Pumpkins, but somewhere in all the numbers, 2 plus 2 is beginning to look like 44. With all the culling over the past decade, there are only so many of you left. There’s only one explanation for everyone’s ‘growth’: there’s a bunch of marauding serial consortium hopping agents out there. One day here, the next day there. People, you’ve got to pick one and stick to it! You can’t go jumping from one bed to another like a philandering golf pro.

Boy, do we ever need fresh blood.

February 16, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
I'm Feeling Very Olympian

Ooooh. Isn't it thrilling! I never took us meek Canadians as the aggressive types - but boy, are we flexing our alpha muscle now. Lack of use my have left it a little limp, but make no mistake, the theme for the opening ceremonies sent a clear message to the world: although we have no snow, do not muck with us.

How many erections were there? Giant totem poles, enormous sequoias, colossal icicles rising from the ground. These Olympics are just one huge hard on.

I wonder how the rest of the world is receiving our long-overdue attitude adjustment. Some nations are touchy about having their Olympian member dominance put in question. To them I say: PPTHHPPPPT!

So, people, take a memo! If our national pride can find the strength to bone up its spirits thusly, we of travel consulting and selling can do it. Rise up, Pumpkins! Let us join together in erecting ourselves a sea of giant brochure racks. We'll call them Travel Poles. And then sit back and watch suppliers fall to their knees before them. I am so pumped.

February 11, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
I’m Being Exported!

My weekly slag column has been discovered! Yes, Pumpkins, after years of helping the Canadian travel industry wrench its head out of its navel --  god knows some folks would suffocate without me -- I am being exported. American trade publisher Richard Earls wants me. And from what I’ve heard, what Dicky wants, Dicky gets. This is so totally not the same as when I was deported.

Richard, dahrling, I’m yours. Do with me what you will!

Truth is, I’ve always felt underexposed. Each of my husbands urged me at one time or another to share my broad talents (in fact, sometimes we did). Canada’s travel industry’s had me more than once. It’s time to expand. The bright lights of Broadway await. Hollywood, perhaps. OK, I’ll settle for Tallahassee.

So, fair warning! Don’t be startled if you find my insightful insights peeking up at you from the most unexpected places. And to my dear yet-to-be-fans in the U.S. – fasten your seatbelts. There’s bound to be turbulence.

February 09, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Call Me Nosy

The rumour mill is grinding up kernels of innuendo into a fine powdery flour. Time for some fluff cake, Pumpkins.
Water cooler chatter about Thomas Cook is taking over the titillation over Signature’s sex life. I’ve heard they’re buying everything from Transat to Canjet to Skyservice to itravel. So far, not a whisper about Sears. C’mon people. There’s nothing else left to buy! Odds are that one of those will stick.

I’m no aviation expert, but from what you read on bathroom walls, Skyservice planes aren’t on anybody’s radar. But with the feds looking at easing foreign ownership rules of airlines, anything might be possible.

Then there’s the Jonathan factor. The Brits are doing their best to remake him in their image, but the thought of a Friisdahl and a Carroll under one umbrella? Is it me, or is that just wrong. 

And Transat? Mon Dieu! We can’t handle another operator melding. The S/S merger is causing enough turmoil. First it was the staff. Now it’s the hoteliers. The prospect of RIU sleeping in their  TUI  beds is not being well received. But come Friday, much of the TUI tittle-tattle may be revealed.

As for Thomas Cook? I’ll keep my ear to the ground. (Won’t be the first time I’ve been found in that position).

..............................................................................................................................

News of Signature’s culling is all over the industry. The Montreal office was boarded up yesterday. Sal Buccellato and Michelle Palma have signed off. Toronto groups, ops and customer service are being ‘centralized’. I can’t watch. I know some thinning of the herd may be necessary, but I hate the sound of a pumpkin falling.

February 05, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Don’t Mess With March Break

Stevie, baby, it’s all wrong. You’re messing with travel here, Harpy boy. Nobody cancels March Break. I mean, cyclones, plagues, revolutions, monetary collapses, Lindsay Lohan, we get those. We’ve dealt with worse. But getting your jollies by playing chicken with the opposition? Like that’s a good reason to pull the sand from under a cold Canadian? We’re talking vacations, here. Not cool, dude.

It’s like our one chance to make up for the lousiest season since back in the winter of 2009.  The hotels are counting on those flabby white bodies to fill their deck chairs. To buffet. To get belligerent after too many of Jose’s triple shot margaritas, sin sal, por favor. (And I did not pull the lifeguard’s trunks down when he ran from my cabana. He slipped and I grabbed them, to keep him from, um, falling.) It’s a crime to come between Canadian families and their all-inclusive. I hope you’re ashamed of yourself, Mr. Harper.

February 03, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
It Gives Me Fever

More like cold chills. Vancouver’s as nervous as a fake virgin watching the last guests leave her Patriots Of America themed wedding.  Despite numerous attempts to ease congestion, the city’s gridlock is as tight as she used to be. There’s no snow. The failed ship-to-shore housing project has left a thousand passengers clamouring for life boats. Distances to venues are a logistical nightmare. And run-of-the-mill tourists are staying away. Not to mention how freaked everyone is about security. So much for Olympic fever.

On the other hand, have you ever seen a Snow Leopard on skis? Now that’s exciting. Kwame Nkarumah-Acheampong is the first Ghanaian to ski in the Olympics. Have you seen his thighs? Now I Believe. That’s what I call groin lock.