July 23, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
I’m Travel And I’m Proud

Shazam! Those zany Zambians are on to something, my little zombies. Some crazy Lusaka travel cats have formed a Zambian “Pride Club” which – get this – “recognizes and rewards travel consultants in Zambia.” And it’s Kenya Airways’ idea. They think it’s time for travel consultants to come out of the closet. Own the podium. Parade down the street with high heels, whips and exposed  buttocks! Ok, well, maybe just the gay ones.

Point is, they think agents are the key to growing serious business opportunities. Country Manager Rose Kiseli said “travel consultants could significantly contribute to the growth of the tourism sector in line with the Zambian government’s focus to diversify from mining to tourism.”

So, like, travel agents could influence coal and copper excavation? Who knew? Just think of what we could do with gold and diamond quarries in Canada! Ok, everybody focus and repeat after me: “We hereby divert all Canadian precious metal and mineral mining rights to one Mrs. Ivanna Gabbalot the IVth.” If you’re really proud, you will repeat often and loud. Oh, and um… hurrah for the travel nation. Ya. Go get’em.

July 20, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Census Me

Dear Pumpkins,
It’s that time of year when Big Jaw Research compiles stats for the travel industry. As a travel person, you are duty bound to fill out the Census Bureau’s petite form questionnaire below. We’re not sure if you’ll win anything, but your industry pride should be reward enough.

Travel Industry Census – Petite Form

1. Sexual orientation:
All:    Slept with most of the reps in the ‘80s
None:   Stopped going to conferences in ‘99
Famtrosexual: Depends on the Fam, my mood and if my feet hurt
Monogamous : Mate whenever possible, one at a time

2. Marital Status
Yes
No
Depends

3. How many people live in your travel agency?
me
me and my cat
1 from accounting, 1 from complaints and 1 Tweeter
25 +: during March break booking season


4. Are you an immigrant?
No

• Started out in travel at birth
• Can’t remember anything before travel so it doesn’t count

Yes

• Why?
   

5. Do you produce any agricultural products?
No, but I spend my day wading through fertilizer
Yes, I regularly service pigs, chickens and bulls

6. Education:
Hard knocks
The streets of Mimico
Pat Brigham
I’m naturally smart

7. Languages spoken [check all that apply]
English
Something that sounds like English
French
GDS
Deal
Other

8. Income
Yes please

July 16, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Let Me Tell You About The Tourism Birds & Bees

Why hasn't someone told the CTC how the tourism business really works? Since we were knee high to a green screen, every Pampered Pumpkin has known where tourism dollars come from. They grow on the magic Marketing Fund Tree.

Hotels and resorts in various countries collect the magic acorns and hand them over to local tourist boards. The fattened boards hand over their um, fruit, to the big retailers and tour ops up here in Canada, who then pollinate the land with offers. When Canadians smell the offer, it excites their Pina Colada gland which triggers the characteristic leg and arm twitch known as the 'deal dance'. Once they've worked themselves into a frenzy, they spew out their little dollar cache, fly off to the respective countries and stay in the hotels. The natural cycle is complete and can begin anew.

I do love that story.

Then you've got those poor little CTC virgins running around the world in prophylactics trying to catch foreign tourists one at a time. No wonder they have to close their offices.

A little basic sex education is required here, dahrlings.

Dear CTC, take your wee acorns in hand and march over to Jean-Marc Eustache's office, tout de suite. He'll know what to do. With all those fresh little acorns, his big ol' Jonview will leap into action, sucking up tourists from Europe like a French cocotte.

Gawd, do I have to do everything around here?

July 13, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Cruising For A Bruising No More

There’s a new cruising regulation, dahrlings. Sex on ships now has to be consensual. I have to say, I find that rather limiting. What if I’m not in a sensual mood? And who’s going to judge how sensual it has to be? Is that what the peep holes are for? Honestly.

Sometimes you just want to get on with it. Especially when the Bedroom Steward has considerable talents.

Forget about sex. What they really ought to crack down on is violence at sea -- things like rape and physical assault. Which has been recognized as against the law on land for decades, I believe. It’s about time the cruise lines got up to speed, eh? Although I’m really not sure why the whole nasty business required special sea legislation. Assault is assault no matter where it happens.

What happens on a cruise ship, should not stay on a cruise ship.
 

July 08, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
If You Can’t Stand The Heat

It’s stinkin’ hot in the east. And it’s all rather disgusting, dahrlings. Everyone is sticky. Shiny. And drippy. But not the good kind.

I really don’t get that whole sticking it out in the kitchen thing. Like, it’s hot. Like duh – where’s the door?

Which brings to mind Google. I wrote on this very page back in April to watch for what they’re cooking up. This is Google, folks. They know everything about everyone -- what time we get up and when we pee. Almost every key stroke is baked into their plutonian algorithmic indexing of the world. If they want to take over your client, move over. Still want to hang around the kitchen? Cause it’s gonna get mighty hot in travel.

Any pumpkin pies who think they can make a living with a little pinch of online transactions and some deal flyers better get real. And that’s the sugar coated version. Now more than ever, it’s all about service. And more service. Mixed in with a batch of consulting. And heaps of professionalism and basic business savvy. We’re not in Kansas anymore, dahrlings.

July 06, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
I Pick… ME!!!

Choice is really overrated, dahrlings. Calls for way too much heavy lifting. What if I make a mistake? Is green really my colour? Does Varadero’s sand sift more softly through my sandals than Cancun’s?

Other than the fact that green is definitely not my colour, I’ll gladly pick the path of highest return. Someone wants it to be Varadero? No problemo. But what’s in it for me? My opinion is for sale. Is yours?

Let’s face it, dahrlings, what will ethics buy you? I had one once. And all it got me was a lonely seat at the morals bar with empty principles for company. No thanks to that. So when Mister Meanour walked up with a tenner in his pocket and a rigged poll in his hand, what was I to do? He had me in a tight spot.

With experience, I realize I should have held out for twenty and air to anywhere in North America. In any case, all the best people get elected by stuffing ballot boxes. Where would Bush be today if Floridians knew how to count?

It’s easy. Here, I’ll show you:

Who is the most totally amazing travel industry commentator EVER?

July 1, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Up Your Canuck!

So, I’m driving around the airport for my scheduled meeting with Sir Branson and I’m stopped by a very attractive young cop who peers in through my window and yells: “Virgin?”

Well…. as you can imagine, I was dumbfounded. I babbled something about how it had, in fact, been awhile and though I was quite sure hymens didn’t grow back, should he be stuck on that point, I had heard of surgical interventions. You know how it is. To which he replied “the airline, ma’am”.

So anyway, I thought their red and white plane seemed like a fitting Canada Day tribute. Because I’m really quite touched at how people seem to be embracing the day, you know? I mean it all started with a beer commercial and now the whole country seems quite pleased about the whole Canada thing.

So here’s to you! And here’s to me! We’d be flagless without our maple tree!

Happy Canada Day. Eh.

June 29, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
A Guide To Women Of A Certain Age

Pity the men around you, dear Pumpkins. They are in travel – which, as we all know, means they are surrounded by women of a certain age. 

To assist in smooth business operations and avoid unnecessary emotional pitfalls that come with this delicate territory, I’ve developed a ‘women of a certain age’ colour coded hormonal alert system. I urge everyone to adopt the Standardized Hormone Technique by Ivanna (SHTI), as follows:

• Yellow: highly sensitive, prone to tearing. May attempt to mate with strangers. Any discussion of water retention and weight issues should be avoided at all cost. Additional off limit subjects include: “the change” and all subjects related to aging [including but not limited to collagen cream, the 1970’s and spanks]. Examples of safe topics are: food, puppies, the state of the universe and Johnny Depp. For a complete list, go to www.is my wife insane.crazy
   
• Orange: nearing the tipping point. Easy to recognize since sleep disruptions and a confused emotional state contribute to wildly excited look and caved in features. Foggy thought processing and short-term memory blackouts. Handle with care and double check all bookings.
   
• Red: all hands on deck! Unprovoked hysteria can erupt without warning. Instant sweats and hot flashes trigger fits of clawing at clothes and drooly mutterings. Keep clear of utensils and trade show displays. Any direct contact at one’s own peril.
   
• Pink: calm period dotted with extreme euphoria and an unnatural attraction to animals. Been known to give large discounts to relatives and neighbours. Close monitoring required.

Close adherence to my SHTI protocol will ensure you have yours together.

Thank you for your attention.

June 24, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Shake Rattle & Roll

Well, didn’t that just snap the elastic out of Toronto’s panty lines! One minute you’re staring at miles of wire fences and Shazam! the earth moves. Some say the quake was just pre-G20 jitters. Others are talking about 1.1 billion tax dollars hitting the ground. Apparently it caused a tsunami in the fake lake. Personally, I think it was a warning to the leaders—stop messing with me or I’ll shake you off this planet. And I’m quite sure she means it.

Since it’s Thursday – and since the coveted Open Jaw Insert Foot Award has not been awarded in eons – let’s remedy that immediately with this crumby bit from the PR gone bad zone. In a spasm of generosity, Doubletree Hotels is launching a holiday tradition to help us celebrate our ‘beloved’ Canada day. Yes, Pumpkins, on July 1st anyone can simply march into a Doubletree and help themselves to a cookie. Limit of one 2.5 ounce cookie with an average of 20 chocolate chips per person. Please note: Offer valid while supplies last. Otherwise, photographs are available.

Honourable mention must also go to a press release introducing a new website to help plan a Quebec summer road trip. “Inspired by the great European road trip counterpart; boldly plan several remarkable road trips closer to home, while experiencing a sense of moving backwards …“ A clever foreboding of another earthquake?

June 22, 2010
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
We’re Worth It!

You know, Pumpkins, I hate to admit it – but the cost of showcasing Toronto’s unique style to the world has been totally worth it. It never would have occurred to me to go all ‘cold-war era East Berlin’ as the welcoming theme. Just goes to show you why I’m not on the G20 planning committee!

Personally, I would have chosen more of a flowers and singing children kind of look. How embarrassingly old school. Yikes. You spend a year or two away from the thick of the latest zeitgeist in city fashion and boom – you miss the latest trend.

Now that the barricades, fences, concrete barriers, barbed wire, battalions of armed police, water cannons and sound blasters have been erected – I’m getting a sense of the feel they’re after. It’s that post-modern ‘don’t mess with us’ Yankee-Stalinist pseudo apocalyptic bunker look. Watch for it on runways this fall.

The only down side to this approach is the crimp it’s putting on all circulation in or around the city. On anyone who has to work in the downtown core. Businesses. Retailers. Banks. Taxis. And of course, I get frisked every time I go in or out of my condo. But hey, that’s the price you have to pay for high fashion, dahrlings.