2012-01-30
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
It’s A Slot Fight!

Oh boy, oh boy – I love it!

Nothing like an old fashioned cockpit match, eh Pumpkins? (I haven’t seen one of those since Vic Nakhleh was transferred to Toronto. Or maybe that was a hissy fit.) In any case, all 3 of our carriers are kicking each other in the apple over New York – pushing and shoving their way into prime slots. (I had a prime slot once).

Over in the left corner, heavy weight Air ‘Captain’ Canada is going hourly into LGA. Now that’s stamina. Up & coming WestJet ‘two toes’ Saretsky landed a $17 million sucker punch, gaining 8 LGA slots. And back in Newark, ‘cooncoon’ Porter is beefing up to 13 daily flights.

The competitors are motivated. They all dream of one day championing their very own prized business travellers – shuttling them back and forth from Toronto to New York. Gaining their loyalty. Feeding them little treats. Suckling their offspring.

In other news … on top of the 2010 bombshell permitting employees to forgo pantyhose, Disney is now allowing beards. Mickey with facial hair? Minnie will have something to say about that.
 

2012-01-25
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Wake Up & Smell the Marijuana

Ay caramba, Pumpkins! What Canadian gringos are saying about Mexico these days will make your smoke curl. Time to pull our heads out of the Mayan sand, dahrlings.

The latest piñata practice on a Canadian tourist is causing quite a dust up in the blogosphere. Whether the butler, the husband or the drug dealer did it, there’s a mob-osphere out for blood. Call it a Canadian quirk, but industrial grade tourist beatings are bad for business.

Fortunately our beach seekers are deal seekers, and we’ve gotten away with packin’em in, despite negative perceptions. For how long? My sun worshipping sister-in-law cancelled her yearly PVR pilgrimage this year. All 4 of my spa mates say they won’t go – and they’ll pretty much go anywhere for tequila.

I fear that all the statistics in all the world will not put this enchilada back together again. Is it time to press the panic button, Pumpkins?

Correction
Well gosh, Pumpkins, I went off half cocked the other day – sucked in to some misleading stories about Costa’s discounting policy. My reportage refers to a 30% discount Costa is offering Concordia pax. The discount is for existing forward bookings – not for the nearly drowned pax. Seeing as pre-booked Concordia clients no longer have a ship to stand on, that does make more sense. 
 

2012-01-23
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
My Life For A Discount!

No doubt once Concordia passengers get over the nightmares of hanging off the side of a sinking ship in the middle of the night, they will be calling their lawyers. But not to worry, Pumpkins, Carnival Corp. has staved off the onslaught with a brilliant strategy.

Carnival is giving Concordia passengers a 30% discount for future Costa cruises. Whew! Just under the wire. Thank goodness we in travel can always count on a discount to right a wrong. Notice they did not nickel and dime the situation with 15% or 20%. These are savvy people, Pumpkins. Under the extreme circumstances, they sharpened the offer right out of the gate.

Now, some of those passengers might be thinking: let’s see, you almost kill me, drown my belongings - including passport and credit cards - not to mention inconvenience my holiday a smidge, and in compensation you are incentivizing me to buy your product. Again. Really?!

Those kinds of people obviously don’t get it. Carnival Corp. has years of experience and they say the discount will help increase a sense of loyalty to the Costa brand. Consumers are a bit naïve when it comes to travel stuff, Pumpkins.
 

2012-01-19
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
I’m Cultivating My Muffin

I have cotton head, Pumpkins. My homeopath says it’s yeast. Now I’m afraid to sit under the dryer in case I bake something. Speaking of which, the McTavishes just rolled into some dough by selling their biz to the Mennonites – Timmies and all.

I’ve heard about wandering Jews, but I had no idea Mennonites travel so much. They even handle a huge consolidation firm just to fill their missionary positions.

Speaking of which, Dave McCaig is thrusting himself onto the big smoke because his wife’s been transferred. Sheesh! Judy really should have been transferred years ago. ACTA would have saved a fortune in airfares.

Sometimes it takes a while for the ‘duh’ to hit home. Take the Captain of the Concordia – I knew there had to be a logical explanation for his premature exodus. Seems he inadvertently landed in a lifeboat after tripping over something (probably the passengers he pushed aside).

You travel people are way too sophisticated for me. I’m still trying to understand how handmade furniture & jellies suddenly got so profitable. It’s too much for my fermenting bun brain. I need a double-double – two ounces of vodka, two ounces of gin – and I’ll be tripping into Tim’s bits in no time.

2012-01-16
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Did Someone Call Shelley Winters?

With the Poseidon Adventure playing out on high def TV screens all over North America, we have some fires to put out, Pumpkins. Holy Titanic! A couple of rocks and poof, the Med flows into the theatre!

Call me superstitious; but I’m thinking this is not the shot in the bow travel needs right now.

And just imagine what Carnival Corp’s insurance adjuster is facing. Do 11,000 salad forks go under the same column as the 16,000 dessert forks? What’s a used soggy piano worth these days?

This isn’t callousness on my part, it's the sad reality of insurance. No wonder Micky’s pissed at the captain. The fearless Italian who jumped ship before the passengers, blanket over his head, is costing Carnival $85 million in lost earnings for 2012. After they repair the Concordia, I’d change the name. Better yet, sell it to a shrimp trawler off Florida. Passengers are spooked enough.

2012-01-10
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Why Am I Here?

It's January, Pumpkins, and while it might be warm here in the T-dot by frostbitten Canadian standards it's still pretty nipply for a woman of my breeding and skimpy sartorial tastes. 

The news boy got his fix of Cuban sun before Christmas and one of the Dinkettes (can never tell those two frumpy frauleins apart) is off watching geysers spurt in Tauck luxury. (I'll spare you my Freudian analysis of her destination choice. It's just so obvious).

But where, you ask, will Ivanna's gilded chariot take her next? Let's just say the invitations haven't been flowing in so far in this year of the Mayan Armageddon. And... OK... I do seem to be having a little trouble booking a trip at (gasp) my own expense.

The Dinkettes say my big mouth has resulted in my persona becoming non grata in some parts, but they're just timid little tulips. I'm sure iTravel2000.com has been returning an error message for all of you too, although I don't understand why it says 'Beat It Babe!' instead of 'Site Under Construction.'

It's probably just Jonathan's idea of a personalized Christmas Carroll. Oh, and that little kiss cam pic of Friisdahl and Hunter? Well s-o-r-r-y, but it's not like you can fake that stuff. Sheesh.

The Dinkettes think I should resolve to be a little softer around the edges this year Pumpkins (though I hope my edges never get as soft as theirs) but I fear I would be letting my devoted followers down. After all, somebody's got to lobby for the agent side.

What do you think dear readers, should Ivanna take her teeth out for 2012?

2012-01-05
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
We’re On The Wrong Side

Looking to expand your business, dahrlings? Go east, young entrepreneur. And I don’t mean Halifax. 

In case you haven’t noticed, Asia’s exploding. The travel industry over where the sun rises makes Canada’s ITC Inc. look like Horton’s Whoville. The place is hopping with new airlines, operators and loads of newly minted passengers.

Doesn’t that always happen? Right when you get the hang of things, you figure out you’re on the wrong side of the planet. Red Tag has the right colours, so no problemo. People might have trouble pronouncing Ensemble (lord knows I do). Uniglobe, on the other hand, is way ahead of all of us.

I look particularly fetching in a Sari, so I’m heading for India. There are dozens of airline execs to fascinate with my uniqueness. The trick is to brush up on local customs. So what is it with the cows over there? I have to let them crush my gardenias whenever they please? I’d prefer to BBQ the thing. On second thought… maybe Asia isn’t ready for me. 
 

2012-01-03
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Is It 2012 Yet?

Hellooo! Is anybody still out there?

I don’t see any signs of the impeding apocalypse, Pumpkins. Although by midnight on the 31st , I wouldn’t have recognized armageddon from a mastodon.

My astrologer actually says the stars, planets and moons are aligned for a perfectly astronomic year. Although seeing as Gregg Saretsky and I were born at the same time, under the same suspicious sun, I think he’s got our charts mixed up.

WestJet is in fact planning a gynormous year. They have lifted the curtain on the “plane” plans. I mean, different planes. Bigger ones and smaller ones. Holy Judgment Day! Not the “p” word! There was a time most WestJetters would more easily divulge the size of their cockpit than the length of their plane.

Yes, clearly Cosmo is foretelling Gregg’s stellar rise. My only brush with astronomical growth so far this year is with the scale. (I could save a fortune by just having lunch with Brent Jang.)
 

2011-12-29
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
Party Time with Ivanna

Click to Party with me!

2011-12-22
Excuse me, dahrlings, but
I’m Fine With Full Disclosure. Really.

I knew it would come to this, Pumpkins. The feds were bound to mandate full disclosure at some point. Although the law doesn’t go into effect until next Christmas, I think it’s best I grab the bull by the horns.

Ok, here we go: (fair warning, darhlings, this may be more difficult for you than it is for me)
- Contrary to rumours, and unlike Dame Edna, I am not a man in drag.
- Yes, there were orgies. But never, never, in the Merton St. boardroom.
- The court order to stay away from the homes of travel executives only applies to Jean-Marc Eustache, Claude Morin, a few of the Hunters, and Vanessa Lee (although, personally, I think she likes it when I hide in her bushes).
- Oh, and of course, my taxes and fees are always included.

Now, if each and every one of us exposes ourselves to consumers – I’m quite certain it will encourage more bookings. Until then, dear Pumpkins.

For now, it’s time to wrap up the presents. Wrap up the season. And wish each and everyone out there in travel land the Merriest of Christmases! I hope you and your families take time to enjoy peace in your hearts and a little prayer for a better world in 2012!