Older Aircraft Suffer From Projectile Dysfunction

Open Jaw

It's not something the airlines want to talk about.


This is a subject discussed only in hushed tones, often by executives as they meet clandestinely at neighbouring urinals.


The issue: aging aircraft. They're not gaining altitude as quickly as they once did. At times they can execute a hard climb, but then soften out before peak altitude. And even when they do reach the optimal angle of atmospheric penetration, they can't hold it for long.


Another problem is return flights. For older members of airline fleets, what was once a 35-minute pit-stop for grooming and refueling has become a much longer affair.


Open Jaw spoke to airline executive Duncan Doughynuts for his unique perspective on the issue.

"As the planes get older, we're forced to turn to an expensive fuel additive called fluonic agronomate (commercial name Flyagra) to maintain consistent standards of performance. A little blue liquid and they're good to go. You'd swear when they come out of the hangar to start the day they're singing 'Good Morning, Good MORNING!"


Doughynuts says shifting older planes to shorter routes is key to keeping them aloft, especially where Flyagra is involved.


“If erection lasts more than four hours mechanics need to be called in as the strain on engines can be extreme."


But the executive says the pilots of older projectiles can often make up for declining technical performance in other ways.

“These guys know it's not just about the hard stuff, about reaching and maintaining altitude and speed. Their efforts to tease out every last bit of performance often stimulates an impressive response. Bottom-line: they're just glad to still be flying."




Gord Searle - April 1, 2015 @ 14:04
This is a riot

Craven Moorehead - April 1, 2015 @ 12:04
I was on a recent flight, anticipated to be pretty quick as usual, but they must have added Flyagra, as we were up for more than 4 hours! We all had to meet with a doctor when we got off.

Brian Simpson - April 1, 2015 @ 09:04
OMG! You guys are killing me!!! Happy April Fool's Day!!


(will not be published)