I am against time, Pumpkins. Time is an evil force which sags faces, enlarges midriffs and destroys joints. It is the number one killer among older people.
Not to mention what it does to one’s well-earned sense of superiority. Where once I ruled the cocktail roost, dahrlings, people now turn away. And I know what you’re saying! It’s the ex-goddess instead of the sex-goddess. (Believe me, sonny, I can still make your wind chimes ding-dong like the 4th of July.)
And so what if I said Scoop Dog instead of Snoop Dog. So shoot me. Poop and scoop is a perfectly natural association with ‘dog’.
The cruelty knows no bounds, darlings. My surgeon said there’s nothing more to be done about my flappy lips and as for my mouth, it’s had so much filler it’s clumping.
So I’m calling it, Pumpkins. ‘Ageism.’ There, I’ve said it.
It’s an ugly word which brings shame to the industry. Shame to those who hire a token old guy and then harass the bugger with seemingly innocent flaccid penis comments.
I ask you, when was the last time there was a top 70 under 70 award? Believe you me, dahrlings, it’s much harder to be on top at 69 than under at 40.
Try wearing power heels when your knees, hips, back and bunions just want wide sized ‘comfort shoes’. Aaagh! It’s horrid, I tell you! That deserves an award. And do you know what colour support hose comes in? BEIGE!!! Not champagne. Not coffee cream. Or sun kissed taupe. We’re talking old kitchen linoleum beige.
Point is, you are supposed to be full of piss and vinegar when you’re young. That’s how it works. Big whoop. See how you feel at 70 when you smell like piss and vinegar. And don’t think it’s not coming!