U.S. Government Adds To List Of Banned Carry-On Items*
Oh, boy. This is getting complicated.
White House spokesperson Sean Spicer has announced a series of additions to the list of banned carry-on items on flights to the U.S. from nations around the world.
Speaking to a gaggle of sycophantic journalists in his private office, Spicer presented the new regulations and defended the somewhat curious choices, saying they were selected through careful analysis of Snapchat, Tinder, Twitter and “other credible news sources.”
“When you see the list you’ll understand the urgency,” Spicer told journalists. “The President believes scheming terrorists could use seemingly harmless iconic national symbols to introduce dangerous devices onto airplanes.”
Spicer explained: “As the President said to me: ‘What border guard in Canada is going to question someone bringing a stuffed beaver aboard? Or a Mexican with a piñata? It’s just what they do, they don’t know any better. But we need to be vigilant.’”
The following objects will be banned as carry-on items on flights departing from the countries specified. Airlines and airports have been given 69 hours of notice to put protocols in place.
U.S. airlines flying from the same countries will be exempt from the rules, Spicer said, due to American exceptionalism.
Items banned as carry-on, effective 3APR:
Canada – The aforementioned stuffed beaver (live beavers are acceptable if they fit completely under the seat in front of the passenger), hockey pucks and toques. As well, William Shatner has been added to the no-fly list after repeatedly trying to access “the bridge” on a previous flight.
Mexico –Piñatas are now banned items, with the exception of those depicting Hilary Clinton, which can be locked up at the front of the cabin. Taco bowls are banned as well, unless certified to be from the kitchens of Trump Tower NY.
Switzerland – Alphorns, which could be used to fire chunks of Toblerone at high speed, endangering flight operations.
Germany – Schweinshaxe, a weapon masquerading as a meal. Once the fat-dripping, succulent meat is removed from the roasted pig knuckle, the result is a potential killing machine.
United Kingdom – The British sense of humour will be banned from flights originating in a country that has a ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ and believes that dead parrots are funny.
France – Passengers will be required to check their baguettes at the gate. What couldn’t be hidden in a baguette?
United States -- Readers may be surprised to see the U.S. on the list, but Spicer told reporters that the White House has taken the opportunity to add a ban on microwave ovens as carry-on items on all domestic and international flights.
Spicer told journalists that the President chuckled as he signed the microwave ban Executive Order, saying “Obama won’t hear much from the cargo hold.”
*Yes, this is an April Fool story. Yes, we know that Friday, 31MAR is not 1APR. But by the time we realized that April Fool’s Day 2017 falls on a day on which we do not publish, we had already written the story. You might say: “Then you’re the Fool.” We’re OK with that.